“Death metal who?”
“Death metal grrrr growl howl screeech grrrrr kill die growl. Nice to meet you too.”
There always HAS to be something for the poseurs to lap up. Earlier, it used to be nu-metal, but now this prestigious position belongs to the new nonsense that has become a runaway hit with the “extreme metchul crowd”. It has a million sub-genres and spawned a billion bands, but the thing common to all of them is that they ALL SOUND THE SAME! And all are equally irritating.
I’m sure I have antagonized a lot of death metal fans in the last 4 sentences I typed. A few of them must have reached out for their pocket knives and make up kits. Some of them might even be doing some evil Satanic rituals to steal my soul now. So if I manage to survive all that, I’ll state a few reasons why I hate Death Metal.
THE BAND NAMES
You would easily agree with me that the band names are absolutely ridiculous; not to mention extremely dumb and clichéd.
All the names* can be broadly classified as a permutation and combination of :
- dead bodies
- random diseases in humans and animals
- serial killers/ psychopaths
- psychological disorders in humans and animals
- random medical terminology
- synonyms for all of the above.
* Also available in Norwegian/ Icelandic/Greenlandic/Swedish and a few other European languages (limited edition).
* Available in scary fonts.
The following list will demonstrate the typical nomenclature:
Demonic Paper Correction
Jesus Post Mortem Decapitation Timepass
Anal Lobotomy Napalm Oil Massage At A Reasonable Price
Genital Mutilation Hobby Fuckers Biopsy
Satan Penis Poetry
Beheaded Barbie Doll Necrophila
Super Infanticide Reptile
Naked Vinod Kambli
Urine Electric Experiment
Butchering Cadavers At A Low Salary
Extreme Brain Tumour Suicide
Sudden Death By Morbid Cancer Dementia
Sudden Death After Penalties In Football
Vomit Testicles Blood Ruining Clothes
Congenital Chronic Stupidity Infection
Christ Killing Blood Maggots And Soya Sauce
Dinner For Two At The Cemetery Gates
Cryptopsy Idlis Putrefying Sambhar Served By The Corpse Of A Cannibalistic Waiter
Violent Church Orgasm Suicide
Shakespeare Gonad Mutilation
Brutal Thoughts Of Sex With Karan Johar’s Rotting Corpse
And then, there are these bands like Impunia, Tuntunia, Tristania, Katatonia, Epiphania, OMFGLOLHernia, Reshammiya and Britannia. WTF.
Pantathocapter, Satyrisavitri, Chamophunkalnox, Dumbennacus, DettolKlinol, Dimmu BurgerKing, Vaakevangaaichagho and Shamkogulator.
The same pattern holds good for the lyrics and the album names too. I wonder why they don’t take their own songs seriously and commit a “violent goat fucking mutilation suicide” themselves.
(Meanwhile, the death metal fans are planning to gouge my eyeballs out and hang them on their anti-Christmas tree.)
THE MAKE UP
Nothing new here. Everything has to be black and white like a movie from the 50s. Except for the fake blood that is used for emphasis. White corpse paint, black lipstick, white flowers, black nail polish, white contact lenses, black hair, and probably a chess set thrown in to match the surroundings.
Why this entire crappy make up fiasco? Because when it comes to corpse paint colour, you’re VERY demanding. L’ Ordeal, you’re worth it!
Don’t all death metal videos remind you of Tulsi Ramsey horror movies? Or at least Celine Dion? Eeeyuck.
Right, so you may choose to ignore everything else and just focus on the music. Just a tiny problem there. IT’S FUCKING REPETITIVE! Every single track ever made sounds the same!
The only audible difference in the tracks would be the duration/pitch of the growls and wails. And pathetic lyrics, of course.
It isn’t too difficult to create death metal music, you know. Don’t believe me? Fine then, I’ll teach you how to create your own death metal music in 6 easy steps:
- Take a mixer/grinder. Put a litre of milk and a stainless steel chain in it. Close the lid real FUCKING tight. Turn it on. (This will mimic the guitars)
- Throw the mixer/grinder into a washing machine. Turn the washing machine on. (This will mimic the drums) Both the appliances must be on at the same time.
- Ask two volunteers to hit the washing machine with cricket bats for the double bass drum effect. If the sound is not loud enough, throw one of the volunteers into the washing machine as well.
- Switch the appliances on and off at irregular intervals.
- Now comes the important part: the volunteers (including the one inside the machine) and you must growl nonsensical rubbish at the top of your voice. Then scream. Then screech. Then go see a doctor (especially the one inside the machine, man he needs urgent help!).
Don’t forget to clean up the mess later. You wouldn’t want your domestic help to die “a violent electrical death due to negligence, that too early in the morning” now, do you? On second thoughts, that could be the name of your next album. Hee hee.
Still think I’m biased? Gosh, such obstinate kids!
Okay, here are some fun facts:
I ran a search for the ‘top 10 death metal albums’. Here is the list :
1. Carcass – Necroticism – Descanting The Insalubrious
2. Morbid Angel – Altars of Madness
3. At the Gates – Slaughter of the Soul
4. Obituary – Cause of Death
5. Entombed – Left Hand Path
6. Napalm Death-Harmony Corrupton
7. Carcass – Heartwork
8. Cryptopsy – None So Vile
9. Bolt Thrower-Realm of Chaos
10. Cannibal Corpse-The Bleeding
Yes, that’s a real list. Hilarious, I know. But the panel of psychologists consulting these bands and their fans didn’t find it amusing at all. Maybe they should listen to the track “Lavaging Expectorate of Lysergide Composition” from Necroticism or Morbid Angel’s “Lord of All Fevers & Plague” and have good laugh at their imagination, or lack thereof.
Random lyrics :
Killing the darkest rotting fate.
Rot all lesions.
Glory. Rotting, plowed.
Dead he’s killed your soul.
Glory. Rotting flower.
(“Internal bleeding” by Obituary.)
Their vocabulary is limited to “rotting”. One by one, they name all the things in the room and add the word “rot” to it. “Rot fan. Rot tubelight. Die. Rot chair. Kill. Rot modem. Rot toothpaste. Glory. Rotting underwear.” Stupid motherfuckers with rotting brain cells.
I took their lives away
7 dead, lying rotten
their naked bodies putrefy
Strangulation caused her death
Just like all the others
Raped before and after death
Stripped, naked, tortured
(“Stripped, raped and strangled” by Cannibal Corpse)
Ahaha! This is like Jagjit Singh in a really fucked up mood. Poetic nonetheless. I hope they make this into a ghazal someday…
Insipid fumes bellow from the atrabilious chimney
Whilst in the sanctified crevet I calmly pillage and rake
For hot dry powdered human slag
Still steaming in the crematorium’s grate
Bio-organic ebullition, bones tar, tallow dehydrates
For my deleterious horticulture so that I may cultivates
(“Inpropagation” by Carcass.)
Laughing my ass off after reading this. The dumbass lyricist has obviously copy-pasted random words from Merriam Webster and The Amateur Scientist. I mean, “deleterious horticulture” and “Bio-organic ebullition”. The hell?!
The irony is that the moron got the TITLE of the song wrong – there’s no such word as “Inpropagation”. Go figure.
TO SUM UP…
Although there might be a few genuine bands and fewer genuine fans, this genre is a mass poseur haven. Everyone wants to show how screwed up they are. They think acting all dark and scary makes them look cool. The “d00d I’m br00tal stay away from meh grrrr yelp” types. In reality, they are just a bunch of regular school kids suffering from a bad case of attention-whorenia.
There in no end in sight to this lameness. The “kvlt \mm/ethcul fana†ics” will never miss up on an opportunity to jump on the bandwagon and try to ‘fit in’, using their shitty taste in music as a ruse.
“Hey dude, Mental Rapeopsy ka naya track suna kya? \m/\m/\m/”
“Fuck, kvlt guitars hai. Bloodlicking Pest owns! \mmmmmmm/”
Oh yeah, wearing black T-shirts with stupid messages scribbled in illegible font make you so freaking distorted. These are the same people who eat at McDonald’s and watch Star One soaps at night. These are also the same people who talk about “drinking human blood to satiate their libidinous thirst grrr” and “unleashing the wrath of Satan’s minions upon your soul”, but are actually quite content with drinking Junior Horlicks while watching Dil Mil Gaye (Dr. Riddhima looks just like Dani Filth).
Anyway, I’m tired now. I’m off to listen to some soothing music by Black Tomato Murder Weapon. Grrrrr night!
Hello kids, meet Ugly-Angry Uncle:
Kem chho rokers!
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