Discovering God’s Own Country : Kerala.

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Introduction

Kerala is a state in the Indian Union [citation needed?] located at the southern part of the Indian peninsula. It is bordered on the north by Karnataka, south and east by Tamil Nadu, west by the Arabian Sea, and the middle by a peculiar species of human beings [citation definitely needed]. The principal spoken language is Malayalam, though other languages are also spoken, but generally never responded to.

Wiki says :

Social and educational reforms enacted in the late 19th century by Cochin and Travancore were expanded upon by post-independence governments, making Kerala one of the most literate, healthiest, and gender-equitable regions in India. Kerala has one of the most advanced educational systems in India. Unlike the other Indian states, Kerala’s basic human development indices are roughly equivalent to those in the developed world, and the state is substantially more environmentally sustainable than Europe and North America. A survey conducted in 2005 by Transparency International ranked Kerala as the least corrupt state in the country.

Wiki,  however, also adds :

Nevertheless, Kerala’s suicide, alcoholism, and unemployment rates rank among India’s highest.

Word.

History

Legend has it that Vasco Da Gama, a Portuguese football scout working for Real Madrid, once set out to scour the world for talent to add to the never-ending list of El Careeros Ruinos Galácticos (through shady, underhanded transfer deals of course). Da Gama’s initial destination was England, but his GPS enabled iPhone screwed up as expected, leading him to the port of Calicut instead. There, he chanced upon a meeting with a famous football coach and ex-Thrissur United player, Mahabali. Da Gama allegedly presented Mahabali with a surreptitious scheme to lure players from their current clubs. An out-of-work Mahabali agreed to help him out in his evil quest to seek-and-destroy potential talent for a small fee of a few million dollars.

The duo ran into trouble, however, when the Dutch media caught a whiff of the entire issue and exposed the fraud. The situation got worse; words were exchanged, fists flew, Da Gama staged a dive and shamelessly pointed towards Mahabali. Needless to say, Mahabali was shown the red card and sent off from the country. Evil Da Gama had succeeded in stepping over Mahabali’s reputation with his golden Nikes. (Double pun not intended)

Years later, a viral Youtube video started circulating on the net, conclusively proving that Da Gama had dived. But it was a little too late by then. As a consolation, the locals decided to name an entire city after the wronged coach… and they named it Coachin’ (past day Cochin, present day Kochi).

The issue is still pending with FIFA.

Geography

Let’s not even go there. I can’t type the names without fracturing my fingers, you can’t pronounce the names without fracturing your tongue. It’s a pretty fair deal, from a NPOV.

[This section is a stub. Help by spamming the comment section]

Language

Kerala, much like Tamil Nadu, is a Hindi-capped state. That is, people are linguistically disabled in Hindi. A query in Hindi will return a 404 file not found error, or at least a string of abuses in Malayalam or probably Tamil. [citationum venda]

Flora and Fauna
Flora Mary Thomas and Fauna Vadakkedathusubramaniumcannotfitanymorecharacters are my colleagues. They work in the finance department.

Climate

Kerala has a tropical climate and is usually wetter than Minisha Lamba’s negligee under a waterfall for 364 days a year.[Images, videos and some lone time needed]

Temperatures soar to 40-45 degree celsius in the summer, but that’s only due to the collective anger of the communists here. Although the weather is mostly controlled by Mother Nature, communists have been fighting to get the Union to decide what the summer temperatures should be. [Bandh needed]

Sources claim that one such summer night inspired the lyrics of Tandoori Nights. This is logically correct as it explains why the singer sounds as if he’s being boiled in coconut oil.

Food

Kerala adopts all the principles of sadism and masochism while cooking food. The scrumptious feast of a cuisine, also known as sadhya (Malayalam:banquet), typically resembles the following image:

Kerala

As featured in Fear Factor : Kerala

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself hospitalized after consuming the said banquet. But why so nauseous, son? Let’s put some sambhar on that riccceeee! Hoo ha ha ha ha ha!

[Food not needed][This section could cause controversies and is up for deletion]

Politics

Give me Red. [Che Guevara T-shirts needed][7]

Union’s anthem:

Come on you Reds, come on you Reds
Just keep your bottles and lose your heads
Throughout the year we’ll let them know
Who Karl Marx is, here we go (on a bandh)!

Culture
Kerala is renowned for its famous dance form known as Kathakali. It involves intricate make-up, complex facial expressions and gestures, elaborate costumes and some great background music.
A Kathakali performer in traditional attire :
We are tonight's yentertainmentu!

We are tonight's yendertainmentu!

Beliefs

According to a popular belief amongst Keralites, anyone belonging to a state that is not Kerala or Tamil Nadu, is a “North Indian”.

As per this belief, people from Karnataka, Maharashtra and China are “North Indians”. This apparent geographical disambiguation is probably due to the usage of a faulty instrument known as Jack Sparrow’s South Indian Compass, which has only two directions – South and North Indian.

Yo ho ho and another nariyal paani!

Drink up me Southies, ay yay yo!

For this mindblowing assumption, the Indian Government has nominated Kerala and Tamil Nadu for the Ferdinand Magellan Award for Geographical Excellence.

In a related incident, a clever man named Vipin Gopal came up with a catchy slogan for promoting Kerala tourism.  He was instantly hailed a Geographical Genius for the following reasons:

  • The slogan was lifted from this site.
  • Kerala is not a country.
People

Men:

Malayali men, much like their Tamilian counterparts, are very friendly and cheerful people. That is until you don’t

  • mention a word about being “North Indian”.
  • compare and contrast South Indian moviestars with BMC workers, sweepers, chai vendors or your housing society’s watchman.
  • talk in Hindi.
  • compare and contrast Malayalam with Vogon poetry.

Excerpts from a conversation:

APR, who resembles a rogue elephant that has escaped from the Periyar Sanctuary, joins the author for lunch.

APR (name abbreviated to avoid buffer overflow error) : So how you like Kerala food-aa?

Me : Not too many options for us vegeterians…

APR : What’s there in veggu? Here, you can have what I’m having.

Me : But that’s beef boiled in coconut oil and garnished with shredded lamb and fish! Served with pig blood, of course.

APR : Delicious, isn’t it?

Me : No.

APR : Holy cow-aa! You don’t eat beefu? How you will improve da?

Me : Quite frankly sir, I think you are ignoring the cholestrolu and the triglyceridesum that could give you a superaa heart attackangil.

APR : Chumma you saying only. This just blasphemy, da.This just madnessu.

Me: Blasphemy aa? Madnessuu? THIS IS NOT A PARAATHAAAAAAAAAA….!

A lot of Malayali men wear traditional clothing called a mundu or a lungi. Refer this FANTASTIC ARTICLE for more. [That seriously made the author go omfgroflolwtfbbq?]

Women:

All women have similar two-strand-hold-all hairstyle and similar sounding names like Jinu, Tinu, Sinu, Ninu. Geetha, Seetha, Preetha, Neetha. Sosakutty, Joyakutty, Ammukutty, Extremekutty. Jhanya, Dhanya, Enya, Nemanja, Espanya. Riju, Liju, Siju, Jiju, Viju and Iminruinsjustlikemachupicchu.

The author shudders and breaks into cold sweat as he recounts the horror of his days in Kerala. Vivid memories of his testicles screaming in terror at the sight of XXXXL Ammas comin’ at him in a 4-3-3 attack-minded formation leave him sleepless on many a night. Quite unlike the pretty *North Indian* models in Joyalukka ads.

A significant, but disturbing tradition followed by most of the women is growing facial hair.

This has come as a culture shock to the unsuspecting author. [Gillette’s close shave needed]

Baal baal dekho!

Baal baal dekho!

Famous personalities from Kerala

The God of Small Things is actually from God’s Own Country. Arundhati Roy, the well known Fab India clothing model, social activist and Booker Prize winning writer, is from Kerala. 

Famous painter Raja Ravi Varma hails from Kerala. His most prominent works include Swarbat Hero -2, Jatayu, a bird in danger, Shakuntala Sending a Love E-mail to King Dushyanta and A Debo-Nair Woman
 

Not a Raja Ravi Verma painting.
Not a Raja Ravi Verma painting.

Anju Bobby George, the talented athlete who won a medal at World Championships in Athletics clearing 6.70 m and a silver medal at the IAAF World Athletics Final in 2005, was born here. Sources say that she discovered her talent at a very early age while trying to jump out of Kerala. Unfortunately, she landed in Tamil Nadu which made her realize that Kerala was, in fact, much much better.

Mata Amrideviamrisomethingwhatshername is also from Kerala. You know, the lady who hugs people and smiles for no apparent reason. Boy, am I in trouble or what?!

Sports

Bus and auto drivers in Kerala are complete F1 fanatics. As a tribute to their long-standing heroes Sir Micheal Schumacher and Evil Knievel, they routinely drive their respective vehicles with the passionate enthusiasm of a Jehadi on high-quality crack. This is also a part of the “Annual Kerala Roadkill” contest which pits the drivers against each other for the Grand Killing (s)Prix. The driver with the most kills at the end of the season is presented the prestigious and coveted “Salman Khan Pedestrian Elimination Puraskar”, along with a Landcruiser (brakes not included, bail money included).

See also

Similar places:

Place Ooru
 
Place Rendu

Place Moonu

Please, please note

  • Be polite.
  • Assume good humour. This is supposed to be a light-hearted take on Wiki:Kerala.
  • No personal attacks.
  • Be welcoming.
  • Visit Kerala at least once in your lifetime. The entrance has the words “DON’T PANIC” written in large, friendly Malayalam letters.
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9 responses to “Discovering God’s Own Country : Kerala.

  1. To quote a mutual friend, “ROFLCORE”. Especially the spartan parathan man.

  2. Pingback: Discovering God’s Own Country : Kerala. | definedebt.com

  3. ayyo superaaa
    i am love this bloggum and giving many thanks to you for this.

  4. Hahaha !
    This post cracks me up 😛

  5. @FrozenLimbs

    Thanks!

    @trydentsword

    Thanksbaa. Sab Gou mayaa ka aasirvaad hain!

    @Random Bystander

    Hope the next one will patch you up. Thanks!

  6. I’ve been lmfao’in over ur posts allllll night!!! 😀
    dude, ur hilarious!
    ps: only way to survive in Kerala or ..you know..as any Indian expatriate in any country of the world (if ur a “north Indian”) ..go suck it and learn yum-yay-el-yay-why-yay-el-ya-yummmmm 😀
    my theory- 97% of kerala’s actual population is OUTSIDE it ..screwing with our lives with their regionalism :(..but maybe that’s just the lonely nri in me ranting….:P..keep up the gr8 job!

  7. You hit the nail on the coconut there, Princess.

    Thank you!

  8. Brilliant!
    Had a good laugh (at myself, being a mallu) 😉

  9. Gender-equitable, my ass! No such thing exists in Kerala

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