Theatres Scare Me.

This is a tribute to the precious minutes that ticked by in a dingy little theatre in Cochin. To the precious 50 bucks that lost their way somewhere. To the poor hair that got ripped right out of the scalp. And to my dearest friend Shaheed Pinkesh Ramnikbhai Patel, who died right next to me while watching Mission Istanbul. You continue to inspire me, motivate me and keep me alive through all the shitty movies, mate…

Hello folks!
Before I begin, I would like to request your patience for this post as it is laden with images. Assuming that you have a lame 64 KBPS connection, it would take about a week for all the images to download. I hope it’s worth your time when the page finally loads. Don’t send me hate mail if it isn’t.

Please don’t scroll down already. You’ll only see a bunch of grey boxes if you do.

I know that you ignored my suggestion and scrolled anyway, only to find the aforementioned grey boxes. If only you guys listened…sigh.

Now, what do I do to keep your attention from meandering again? Let me think. Oh yes. The best possible solution at the moment seems to be the one which will engage the reader in reading long sentences which have no meaning, provide no useful infromation or serve no purpose other than keeping their itchy fingers from scrolling again, only to find those damned grey boxes. There! I think the page has loaded. Scroll away!

MOVIES WITH THE IQ OF A 007 YEAR OLD?

Daniel Craig in Casino Royale :

Bond. James Bond. Boring James Bond. Stupid Boring James Bond.

Bond. James Bond. Boring James Bond. Stupid Boring James Bond.

Daniel Craig in Quantum of Solace :

Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill me, Kill Me. And Bribe Me.

Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill me, Kill Me. And Bribe Me.

Now, now, now… before all you Bond-crazy ladies pick up your pointy-heeled shoes and aim at my forehead, just hear me out. With all due respect to Mr. Bond and Mr. Late Pout Minister, I couldn’t help but notice the uncanny similarity between them. Don’t believe me? Take a closer look at their facial structure. I’ll be damned if you can’t make out the obvious resemblance.

*is hit by 5 dozen pointy-heeled shoes*
Owwwwchh! That hurt, damn you!

Abhishek Bachchan and his sexuality.

Abhishek Bachchan is one of my favourite actors. He’s talented and witty, but I guess he’s not too sure which way he’s swinging, if you know what I mean. Seemingly, he loves to *experiment* more than a NASA scientist on performance enhancing drugs. Let me explain.

As a homosexual in Dostana :

Utterly butt-erly delicious!

Utterly butt-erly delicious!

He was just ‘pretending’ to be a homosexual in the movie, eh? Yeah, right. Veeerrrry convincing. The deleted scenes will make it to Youtube in a few days time.

As a bisexual in Dhoom 2 :

This is better than the Hrithik-Ash kiss.

This is better than the Hrithik-Ash kiss.

But he wasn’t a bisexual in the movie, you fool!”, you tell me. Oh really? Then would be so kind enough to explain this:

  1. Observe the image carefully. Notice the way they are looking into each other’s eyes while delicately fingering their respective glasses (phallic symbolism?). Notice the flames licking their hands (wild, forbidden desires raging within?). I don’t know, I’m just saying.
  2. If I remember correctly, AB’s character’s wife (Rimi Sen) is shown to be pregnant in the movie. But still, hubby dearest is busy running after topless men. Why?
  3. Still need conclusive proof to support this theory? Ok, here goes : recall the climax of the movie. You know, when Hrithik jumps off the cliff. Now be honest to God when you answer this – what kind of a man would jump off a freaking cliff (without a parachute!) just to hug another man from behind? I mean Abhishek doesn’t even arrest him in the end anyway. So if he had no intentions of catching the bad guy, then what did he really intend to catch?
  4. To further intensify this conspiracy theory, Aishwarya shoots Hrithik in the end. Is this a reference to their real life relationship? Think about it. Quite clearly, everything’s NOT OK in paradise.

Cold, cold logic. *evil grin*

As a transsexual in Drona :

Kahin duur kisi saari ke saaye mein...Traannaaa..

Kahin duur kisi saari ke saaye mein... Traannaaa..

This is an easy one… the gorgeous hairstyle and the beautiful evening gown that he’s wearing give it away. Cho chweet tranny-nanny he is!

As an asexual currency-humping crackpot in Guru :

Make money, not love.

Make money, not love.

He prefers cash to Ash’s ass. I think Ash pretty much ruined her chances when she called him Gurubhai.
Not much dhoom-dhadaka in the bedroom now, is there?

Priyanka Chopra, I bow to thee.

As an ugly weird ridiculous freak show in LameStory 2050

When it comes to hair colour, I'm very retarded.

When it comes to hair colour, I'm very retarded.

As an ugly weird ridiculous freak show in Drona

Who the fuck designs my costumes anyway?!

Who the fuck designs my costumes anyway?!

As an ugly weird ridiculous freak show in Chamku


Chamku - my domestic help.

Chamku - my domestic help.

Rani Mukherji – An inslut to acting?

Rani Mukherji as a filthy call girl in Lagaa Chunri Mein Daag :

Lagaa re! Lagaa re!

Lagaa re! Lagaa re!

I hope she washed the ‘daag’ afterwards. Or does she like it dirty? Hee hee hee.;)

Rani Mukherji as a horny slut in the ‘blue movie’, Sawariyaa :

Gulabji by any other name would cost 1000 an hour!

Gulabji by any other name would cost 1000 an hour!

I don’t really feel like commenting on this one. Sigh.

Rani Mukherji as a trippy whore in Thoda Pyaar, Thoda Magik :

Hello kids!

The Indian Micheal Jackson. I sound like him too.

Any woman who comes cycling down a rainbow wearing a dress like that and that too only for the purpose of touching little kids cannot claim to be an angel. Her track record in such roles doesn’t help either.

Just look at her smile. Evil, corrupted, sick, twisted, maniacal, immoral, wicked smile. Our kids are not safe anymore. I don’t have kids, so I don’t care.

BEST “SUPPORTING” ROLE

Minissha Lamba’s boobs in Kidnap :

The Indus valley civilization originated in my cleavage!

The Indus valley civilization originated in my cleavage!

Bra-vo, Minissha, bra-vo! You really deserve a big hand! A mammorable performance! A fantastic booby trap for the audience! Tit for tat! We are no longer bust bosom buddies! Honky tonk woman! I have run out of breast-related puns!

Wow, it feels nice to get it off my chest. (no pun.. uhh nevermind.)

IN THE MEMORY OF MY LATE FRIEND…

Mission Istanbul-lshit – Darr ke aage jeet ke aage slow death hai :

Istanbullshit!

Istanbullshit!

This was nothing more than a 3 hour Mountain Dew commercial. Even the tagline is “Darr ke aage jeet hai.” Sheesh… what shameless, imagination-less bastards!

The icing on this dung-cake was Viveik Oberoi – the dumbass kept appearing and disappearing throughout the movie like it was some freaking Jadugaar K. Laal Magic Show. Somebody pension him off already.

FYI, this film has been officially banned in Istanbul. Istanbul’s mayor was extremely embarrassed and denied any connection with the movie. “Kill-a that bastardh, don’t a make no movie again!”, he was heard saying.

Note to self : No fooling around with Karzzzz in this post. Enough already.

Ciao peoples, I’m off to watch Golmaal Returns.

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2 responses to “Theatres Scare Me.

  1. Random Bystander

    Heh !
    I think it’s time we let her off the hook though,minisha lamba i mean.

    That would be a win win situation,wouldn’t it ?
    😛

  2. HAWhawhawhawhaw….man!!!!…truth be told i’m awake at 3am…(usual bout of insomnia)…but man wuz ur take on our desi industry GOOOD!!!!…..I wuz laughing my head off!!!!…Hope to look 4ward to more posts like this one……man u made my day!!!!

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