Monthly Archives: December 2008

Bull’s Eye…Almost.

A simple reflex is entirely automatic and involves no learning. Examples of such reflexes include the sudden withdrawal of a hand in response to a painful stimulus, or the jerking of a leg when the kneecap is tapped. Sensory cells (receptors) in the knee send signals to the spinal cord along a sensory nerve cell. Within the spine a reflex arc switches the signals straight back to the muscles of the leg (effectors) via an intermediate nerve cell and then a motor nerve cell; contraction of the leg occurs, and the leg kicks upwards. Only three nerve cells are involved, and the brain is only aware of the response after it has taken place. Such reflex arcs are particularly common in lower animals, and have a high survival value, enabling organisms to take rapid action to avoid potential danger. In higher animals (those with a well-developed central nervous system) the simple reflex can be modified by the involvement of the brain – for instance, humans can override the automatic reflex to withdraw a hand from a source of pain.

Good.

Jonty

Great.

Van der Saar

Better.

Neo

Ownage.

Bushie

Moral of the story : Always keep an extra pair handy.

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Broken News Update – Live And Excluded.

Oh look! They have “detained” him. In his own house. With added security.

The whole world can now heave a collective sigh of relief. The bad guy has been “detained”, phew.

No parties or pocket money for a week, no TV after 10 and no sweets. No chatting to friends at night either. You are “detained”, young man. Now go to your room!

***

In other ridiculous news, U.S. asks Pakistan to “ensure there are no more terror attacks.”

That’s like asking Micheal Jackson to ensure your kids are well looked after. Consider it done, no sweat!

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Irresponsible, corrupt politicians have been asked to resign so that the honest ones can take their place.

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Pakistan cracks down on militants.

The Pakistani army then exchanges notes with the militants. That way, they can learn from each other and grow. Sharing is caring, knowledge is power.

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Ram Gopal Chutiya to make a movie about 26/11 titled “Sarkar Taj in Sholay.” Riteish Deshmukh’s face to play the lead role of The Intelligence FAILURE.

That’s what the folks at Failblog call “AN EPIC FUCKING FAIL.”

***

Sales of candles and black (or white, depending on individual preference) T-shirts have gone through the roof.

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Politicians realize the importance of High Scool Grammar in these testing times. After all, they need newer adverbs to prefix the word “condemn” – fastly condemn, highly condemn, strongly condemn, Olympically condemn, enormously condemn, tremendously condemn, awfully condemn etc.

***

Unnecessary mathematics : “This is India’s 9/11”, “Taj is India’s Ground Zero”, “5000 people supposed to be dead <<< 200 people dead.”

***

Wait and watch, wait and watch, wait and watch. Actually, just wait.

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Excessive (ab)use of 9/11. I really don’t know what purpose it serves.

“26/11 was almost 9/11”

“This was just an unsuccessful 9/11 bid”

“9/11 is the new black”

“9/11 is not the value of Pi”

“0.81818181 is Math’s 9/11”

“Which 9/11 was worse? India’s or America’s? SMS 9/11 (space) India or 9/11 (space) America to 911911. Premium call charges apply – 9 rupees and 11 paise every minute”

***

Scene at the Thackeray household : Raj dancing away to the song “Mere haathon mein 9 11 choodiyan hain, thoda thehro Mumbai majbooriyan hain…”

***

Mumbai Police have been asked to deposit their old, defunct .303 rifles. Finally, I say. The government has decided to provide them with the latest, state-of-the-art, cutting edge weaponry, also known as pogo sticks. So the next time they are confronted with AK-47s, they can at least hop away to safety.

Constable More : “Oh shit, they have AK-47s! Now what?!”
Constable Kale (on his pogo stick) : “Shut up and bounce, bounce, just keep on bouncing. Behki behki hawayein…”

***

Media having a field day with the “sensational footage of people having dinner inside the Taj just days before the terrorist attack”, “breaking news : Pak president denies involvement in the attack for the 911th time” and “our special correspondents shoving microphones in the faces of people who have just been rescued. We want to know how they feel.”

***

Terrorists now have their own Rotary Club in Mumbai. They are also organizing a Laughter Club at Nana Nani Park every morning at 7 to wholeheartedly laugh at India.

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A sudden shift in the attitude from “We’ve had enough, we are fuming! Like, really!” to “We are SO not going to go easy this time!” to “Hey, I think we are totally the only ones left here” to “I’m getting late for work. I don’t want my career to be like India’s 26/11, India’s 9/11 or America’s 9/11.”

***

Increase in the sales of Rang De Basanti DVDs followed by a sharp increase in the number of personal security guards standing outside defense minister’s home.

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The nation’s top brains coming together to fiddle thumbs and whistle when asked about the status of the action against militants who are still roaming free.

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Pointless lists – LeT on India’s black list, Lakhvi on ATS hit list, ATS on ISI’s shit list, JeM on US banned list, US banned list on Pakistan’s Unban list and Maulana Masood Azhar no longer on my Orkut friends list.

***

Documentaries that show pictures of old Mumbai with the song “Mumbai Meri Jaan” in the background and then suddenly cut to the Taj in flames and sound of gunfire and explosions in the background. Let’s salute the creativity.

***

Pictures of Ajmal Amir Kasav dude with a gun. That photo has been posted all over the place ad nauseum, ad infinitum. The new shaved face of Pakistani terror. Sources say Gillette are all set to sign him as the brand ambassador.

As a concerned citizen, it is my responsibility, nay duty to post that image in my blog too. So here it is :

New face of Pak Terror. Age no bar.

The Pakistan Navanirmaan Sena now recruiting. Age no bar.

Drop in sales of Versace T-shirts. India brands Versace shirts as “terror outfits”, giving a new meaning to the term “fashion victims.”

***

Slogans like “enough is enough”, “shit’s going down”, “don’t mess with us yo” and “bomb the dance floor” gaining popularity.

***

Finger pointing to no one in particular. The “Hey look at me, I’ve got 10 fingers, that means I can point towards… uhh ..7, 8, 9 suspects!” syndrome is spreading.

“It was the Lashkar-e-Toiba who did it!”

“No, this kind of sophistication is clearly the handiwork of Al Qaeda.”

“No way, Deccan Mujahideen have claimed responsibilty. Or was it was the Deccan Chargers? Or maybe Air Deccan. Ugh, too confusing. Let’s read it in the Deccan Herald tomorrow.”

“Bah, it is a huge conspiracy by Hindu-Zionists. Noticed the red strings around their wrists? Elementary, my dear Waseem.”

“Pfft, kids. Wake up people, blame the SIMI activists already. They are the ones who hate the country.”

“I’m telling all you morons, this was SIMI Garewal’s idea. She has a habit of bombing things wherever she goes. Even if she didn’t, please kill her.”

“Martians. Aaj Tak have irrefutable evidence.”

***

Allegedly, someone with a wacky sense of humour crank calls Pakistan and impersonates Pranab Mukherji. Everyone is expected to believe that. Pakistan sure has a lot of ways to keep the world entertained with amusing episodes like these in this seemingly never ending Star One soap.

***

Inidan Intelligence Sources have now been replaced by Artificial Intelligence Resources : an Intel Quad-Core Duo Processor with 4 GB RAM and NVIDIA 9800 GTX graphics card. No more intellegence failures, just high performance and unmatched efficiency.Ting ding ding ding!

***

Rs. 1 crore to be given to the kin of deceased army men and Rs. 5 crore to be given to the kin of deceased terrorists.

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The next generation of punk rebels putting on black eyeliner and singing “don’t wanna be an Indian idiot, don’t wanna nation controlled by the media…”. They are featured on NDTV with the tagline “The next generation of punk rebels.”

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Orbit white now available in fruit flavour.

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Just like you forward patriotic e-mails and SMSes to combat terrorism, forward this post to as many people as you can. Do it only if you’re a true Indian and have any love/respect for your country. Besides, every time you view this blog, 9 rupees will be donated towards rebuilding of Taj and 11 rupees to the ISI Charitable Trust for future innovations. Jai Hind.

Terror Attacks – India Reacts.

Every terrorist action has an equally opposite lame reaction.

Newton’s words ring true, as 10 guys aged 18-28 row, row, row their boat gently down the stream and make it look oh-so-easy.

I was hopeful that it would be different this time. That maybe this time we won’t let them walk away after what they did. Well…

How does India respond? Read on.

India “asks” Pakistan to hand over 20 fugitives. Below is the transcript of the mail that the Indian Government wrote to Pakistan, listing their demands :

Dear Islamabad,

We hope this mail finds you all in the pink of health. It’s been a long time since we met and had a nice cup of Peshawar tea. How is little Mushy doing? Give him our love.

Now to the topic at hand : just wanted to point out that a few of your naughty kids having been playing mischief in our country. Boys will be boys, we know. Haha. But can we make this teeny-weeny request? Could you please hand over that goon who resides in the palatial mansion that the ISI has lovingly built for him in Karachi? Oh pretty pwease? We just want to give him a sound hearing and a nice spanking for his horrific, but cute pranks. And while you’re at it, could you also deport Maulana Masood Azhar? You know, just to keep Dawood company? D company, ahahaha. Send them over only if you don’t mind, or if it isn’t too much of an inconvenience; it’s not that important anyway.

Evidence you ask? Yeah, we do have a couple of clues. The boy who was caught said that he and his friends are from Pakistan, that the calls they received were from Pakistan and that they were trained by ex-soldiers from Pakistan. In addition to this, we also found the following items on Kuber, the boat which the terrorists used to come to Mumbai :

  • AK-47s made and assembled in Pakistan
  • Cellphones with Pakistani prepaid SIM and lifetime validity
  • Dry fruits purchased from Karachi Bakery in Pakistan
  • Groceries purchased from Reliance Fresh Pakistan (bill included for your reference)
  • Clothes purchased from Fashion Street, Pakistan
  • “FaYar ‘N HeNdSoUmE” fairness cream purchased from Pakistan (why would they need fairness cream while on a terrorist mission?)
  • DVDs of movies featuring Meera, Jia Ali, Mussarat Mizbah, Salahuddin Toofani and Adnan Sami
  • Pakistan edition of Stardust
  • Pervez Musharraf’s autographed poster
  • A tiffin containing Lamb Pasanday, Chicken Jalfraezi and Kashmiri Naan (these are no longer available)
  • A Pakistani flag flying at half-mast
  • 3 United Nations representatives condemning this barbaric act

The most incriminating piece of evidence : history.

But you don’t necessarily have to believe us; our intelligence is a bigger failure than Uday Chopra’s career.

And yes, if you wish to terrorize some more, please feel free to do so. We are proud that our country is a training ground for your talented students.

Just to reiterate, we tolerate all kinds of shit. So much so that our country has become a public lavatory for everyone to “drop their bombs” in and shoot the piss out of everyone. Free of cost.

Best regards and gaajar ka halwa,
The Indian Government.

Last heard, this mail had become an immensely popular e-mail forward among YahooGroups Pakistan. It’s being forwarded with the subject : “Must read : Funny Indian demands lololol!!!!!Dont miss it……….”

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Reports say that Pakistan have, in fact, handed over two people in reply to the Indian demands – no, not Dawood and Azhar, but Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif. They were deported with this note:

We no longer want these idiots in our country, and you may use them as you please. We don’t want to waste any more time over their stupid bowling action controversies. There are a lot of other important things to look at… terrorism for instance. We have multiple terrorism projects to monitor at any point of time, and we can’t get any productive work done if we have lameass losers like them to bother about. So please accept them as a humble gift from us. Chuck de, ho chuck de India!

Hugs and kisses,
Islamabad.

The Indian Government was not amused.

And this is how the politicians reacted to the incident :

The Patil Trio : Protectors of the Universe

1. Pratibha Patil

When I turned on the TV set and witnessed the attacks, I immediately set down my cup of herbal tea and mildly condemned the attacks. The next day, I got up from my rocking chair and medium-rarely condemned the attacks. On the third day, however, I did something completely out of the ordinary – I strongly condemned the attacks. Thyanchya maila aaicha gho condemn karoon taakin me! Yeh Pratibha ka style hai!

*Cough cough cough* Arre Ganpat, maazi blood pressurechi goli aan re…

But seriously, what do they expect an old bai like me to do anyway? I am just the country’s grandmother who can narrate wonderful bedtime goshti and teach you how to play chippi-chippi and saakhli. I can also make lovely pooran poli and kurkurit pohe.

Oh wait, I can scold them if that’s you want. Here goes –

Aga deva, hey kay kartay porano? Kashala terror-birror kartay konas thouk? Ghari zaa mullah-non, ikde kide-kaandi karoo naka! Tumchya aaila phone karoon tumchi khabar ghyayla saangnaar me. Lai labad aahe hi pora!

*waves her walking stick at them*

Phoota tikde! ‘chya maila, dokyala shot devun takle aahe hyani…

*wears her scary dentures* Oogaboogabooga!

1 week has passed and I’m still going strong with my incessant condemning. But don’t worry, it won’t last for long because I’m going to take some action now. Right after I go to the doctor and get some treatment for my ailing back and arthritic legs. Vay zaala go maza, aata pahilyasarkha zamat naahi malaa. Aga aai go. You go too. Zopayla dya malaa

——-
Check out her quote

“This mindless attack is the work of those who have no regard for human lives, and are pursuing a path of destruction.”

Look out! The Queen of The Obvious strikes again! By cleverly repeating blatantly visible facts, she has not only helped in successfully bringing the perpetrators to justice, but also made the LeT realize how pathetic their actions were.

LeT spokesperson hung his head in shame and responded, “We were pursuing a path of destruction?? Really? We didn’t have a clue! Thanks for pointing that out to us, daadijaan. You have shown us the light and we promise never to do that again. All apologies.”

*does uthak baithak 10 times*

[Considering that the president of the country is a 73 year old woman who should be singing lullabies and knitting sweaters for her great grandchildren, what happened to India was on the cards anyway.]

2. Shivraj Patil

It’s an outrage! Complete outrage! The terrorists were wearing branded Versace T-shirts and Calvin Klein underwear while I was just wearing a plain old bandhgala! I simply cannot let them steal the spotlight from me! This is just barbarism in the name of fashion! I am hereby resigning from my post as the best-dressed Home Minister and angrily marching towards Westside to do some shopping. And if someone calls, I’m not at Home (literally). But if it’s about the clothes I ordered from Mango the other day…

Oh and almost forgot : take a look at this

Heaven knows what would have happened if I had reached on time. I would have straightaway changed to a body fitting Amul Macho vest and low waist jeans, rushed inside and beaten them with my bare hands! And then changed back to regular clothes. It was their luck that they ran away in time.. grumble grumble…

3. R.R. Patil

I was nicely sitting at Marine Lines and nicely eating roasted singdanas when I heard about the attacks. It took me some time to come out of the shock and finish the singdanas before getting back on my feet and running the fuck for my life.

Bade bade shehron mein choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai senorita hehehehe hehehehe…

Manmohan Singh

If Patil is the Queen of The Obvious, then Singh is King!

Read this statement by the P.M.

“These attacks are an act to destablise the nation.”

Act to destablise the nation, are you sure? I mean, it could also have been one of many ways to spend a boring Wednesday afternoon, don’tcha think?

These Patils, Singhs, Deshmukhs and their idiot-value statements remind me of Information Theory and Coding all of a sudden. Let me explain why.

Remember Shannon entropy? It says, “The information entropy of a discrete random variable X with possible values {X1,X2 …, Xn} is given by

H(X) = ∑ (1 to n) p(X).I(X)
Where p = probability of the event, I = information content.

Applying this formula to Manmohan Singh’s statement,

Probability of a terrorist attack being an act to destablise the nation = 1, information content = 0

So, H(X) = ∑ (0).(1)

Thus, H(X)= 0

He could just as well have said, “Sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Stars are not visible during the day due to sunlight,” and it wouldn’t have made the slightest difference. But that’s according to Shannon, not me.

Pranab Mukherji

I have called up Pakistan Foreign Minister Mehmood Quereshi and Prime Minister Yousaf Gilani several times. They never pick up the phone, and quite frankly, their Jal callertune is irritating the balls out of me. I understand ki ab toh aadat si hai unko aise jeene ki, but I’m really pissed now. Plus the balance on my cellphone is also very low. We can think about an anti-terror plan later, let me think of a nice postpaid plan for myself first.

Raj Thackeray

[Mr. Thackeray is currently busy in his bathroom, and hence unavailable for comment. He may, however, claim that Biharis were behind this attack when he finally comes out from his hiding place. Meanwhile, the MNS activists have started slapping and kicking everyone arriving at Gateway of India in a boat, even if they were just tourists returning from a trip to the Elephanta caves.]

V.S. Achuthanandan

We should be proud that we were attacked! If not India, not even a dog would have attacked us. If not Mumbai, not even a cat would have infiltrated it. If not the Taj, not even a rat would have entered it. If not my ass, not even a rhinoceros would have fucked it. Oops, that never happened. Cough.

If(! Achuthyalikeme)
{
Not even an error would have entered this loop;
}

Vilasrao Deshmukh

This tragic incident has left me completely Nishabd. Oh Shiva, what the Phoonkh have they done? Terrorists maybe on the Daud in my state, but don’t you worry folks, Darna Mana Hai. I’m Mast, Darling, and if they extend my Sarkar Raj for another term, I’ll make them Naach until death. This is my promise to you, and this time, I’m speaking nothing but Satya.

Think twice before asking me to resign. Without me as the C.M., Darna Zaroori Hai.

Err… on a totally unrelated note, my son Ritiesh is very handsome, no? Acting is in his blood since childhood. Please, just one small role, bara ka?

Now if you excuse, I shall proceed to shove my head up Ram Gopal Varma Ki Arse.

The final word by a special guest :

Osama Bin Laden

First of all, I would like to congratulate Pakistan on this joyous occassion. Kaabil-e-taarif work, boys!

Always keep this in mind : India will go on with their condemning, threatening and demanding resignations, but expect no other action from them. They are as harmless as the soft, lazeez chicken that we have for dinner every night. So at this point, I would encourage you to increase your terror – it’s your life, make it large!

The ease with which you paddled your boat into their waters should be a clear indication of their security cover, which seems flimsier than Victoria’s Secret-e-Lingerie. Insha Allah, the day is not far away when you would be able to book terrorist vacations to India through ClearTerrorismTrip.com. They shall continue welcoming you every single time. Who knows, you might even get your own reservation seat quota in their IITs and IIMs. Masha Allah, ROTFL-e-LMFAO, Masha Allah!

Oh, and if you’re planning to hijack planes, you may avail of our newly constructed Kandahar Airport, exclusively reserved for hijacked aircrafts, hostages or some such. World class amenities, the last word in luxury terrorism. Parking for Pakistanis free.

*smoothens his beard and smiles*


Disclaimer : This post is not meant to cause any sort of controversy, or to blame anyone for anything. If I sound insensitive or unnecessarily caustic, it’s just my frustration pouring out. No Pakistanis were harmed in the writing of this post.

Just to be on the safe side, I got this post personally approved by the ISI. Jai Hind.

ISI dwaara pramaanit. Jan hith mein jaari.

ISI dwaara pramaanit. Jan hith mein jaari.