Terror Attacks – India Reacts.

Every terrorist action has an equally opposite lame reaction.

Newton’s words ring true, as 10 guys aged 18-28 row, row, row their boat gently down the stream and make it look oh-so-easy.

I was hopeful that it would be different this time. That maybe this time we won’t let them walk away after what they did. Well…

How does India respond? Read on.

India “asks” Pakistan to hand over 20 fugitives. Below is the transcript of the mail that the Indian Government wrote to Pakistan, listing their demands :

Dear Islamabad,

We hope this mail finds you all in the pink of health. It’s been a long time since we met and had a nice cup of Peshawar tea. How is little Mushy doing? Give him our love.

Now to the topic at hand : just wanted to point out that a few of your naughty kids having been playing mischief in our country. Boys will be boys, we know. Haha. But can we make this teeny-weeny request? Could you please hand over that goon who resides in the palatial mansion that the ISI has lovingly built for him in Karachi? Oh pretty pwease? We just want to give him a sound hearing and a nice spanking for his horrific, but cute pranks. And while you’re at it, could you also deport Maulana Masood Azhar? You know, just to keep Dawood company? D company, ahahaha. Send them over only if you don’t mind, or if it isn’t too much of an inconvenience; it’s not that important anyway.

Evidence you ask? Yeah, we do have a couple of clues. The boy who was caught said that he and his friends are from Pakistan, that the calls they received were from Pakistan and that they were trained by ex-soldiers from Pakistan. In addition to this, we also found the following items on Kuber, the boat which the terrorists used to come to Mumbai :

  • AK-47s made and assembled in Pakistan
  • Cellphones with Pakistani prepaid SIM and lifetime validity
  • Dry fruits purchased from Karachi Bakery in Pakistan
  • Groceries purchased from Reliance Fresh Pakistan (bill included for your reference)
  • Clothes purchased from Fashion Street, Pakistan
  • “FaYar ‘N HeNdSoUmE” fairness cream purchased from Pakistan (why would they need fairness cream while on a terrorist mission?)
  • DVDs of movies featuring Meera, Jia Ali, Mussarat Mizbah, Salahuddin Toofani and Adnan Sami
  • Pakistan edition of Stardust
  • Pervez Musharraf’s autographed poster
  • A tiffin containing Lamb Pasanday, Chicken Jalfraezi and Kashmiri Naan (these are no longer available)
  • A Pakistani flag flying at half-mast
  • 3 United Nations representatives condemning this barbaric act

The most incriminating piece of evidence : history.

But you don’t necessarily have to believe us; our intelligence is a bigger failure than Uday Chopra’s career.

And yes, if you wish to terrorize some more, please feel free to do so. We are proud that our country is a training ground for your talented students.

Just to reiterate, we tolerate all kinds of shit. So much so that our country has become a public lavatory for everyone to “drop their bombs” in and shoot the piss out of everyone. Free of cost.

Best regards and gaajar ka halwa,
The Indian Government.

Last heard, this mail had become an immensely popular e-mail forward among YahooGroups Pakistan. It’s being forwarded with the subject : “Must read : Funny Indian demands lololol!!!!!Dont miss it……….”

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Reports say that Pakistan have, in fact, handed over two people in reply to the Indian demands – no, not Dawood and Azhar, but Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif. They were deported with this note:

We no longer want these idiots in our country, and you may use them as you please. We don’t want to waste any more time over their stupid bowling action controversies. There are a lot of other important things to look at… terrorism for instance. We have multiple terrorism projects to monitor at any point of time, and we can’t get any productive work done if we have lameass losers like them to bother about. So please accept them as a humble gift from us. Chuck de, ho chuck de India!

Hugs and kisses,

The Indian Government was not amused.

And this is how the politicians reacted to the incident :

The Patil Trio : Protectors of the Universe

1. Pratibha Patil

When I turned on the TV set and witnessed the attacks, I immediately set down my cup of herbal tea and mildly condemned the attacks. The next day, I got up from my rocking chair and medium-rarely condemned the attacks. On the third day, however, I did something completely out of the ordinary – I strongly condemned the attacks. Thyanchya maila aaicha gho condemn karoon taakin me! Yeh Pratibha ka style hai!

*Cough cough cough* Arre Ganpat, maazi blood pressurechi goli aan re…

But seriously, what do they expect an old bai like me to do anyway? I am just the country’s grandmother who can narrate wonderful bedtime goshti and teach you how to play chippi-chippi and saakhli. I can also make lovely pooran poli and kurkurit pohe.

Oh wait, I can scold them if that’s you want. Here goes –

Aga deva, hey kay kartay porano? Kashala terror-birror kartay konas thouk? Ghari zaa mullah-non, ikde kide-kaandi karoo naka! Tumchya aaila phone karoon tumchi khabar ghyayla saangnaar me. Lai labad aahe hi pora!

*waves her walking stick at them*

Phoota tikde! ‘chya maila, dokyala shot devun takle aahe hyani…

*wears her scary dentures* Oogaboogabooga!

1 week has passed and I’m still going strong with my incessant condemning. But don’t worry, it won’t last for long because I’m going to take some action now. Right after I go to the doctor and get some treatment for my ailing back and arthritic legs. Vay zaala go maza, aata pahilyasarkha zamat naahi malaa. Aga aai go. You go too. Zopayla dya malaa

Check out her quote

“This mindless attack is the work of those who have no regard for human lives, and are pursuing a path of destruction.”

Look out! The Queen of The Obvious strikes again! By cleverly repeating blatantly visible facts, she has not only helped in successfully bringing the perpetrators to justice, but also made the LeT realize how pathetic their actions were.

LeT spokesperson hung his head in shame and responded, “We were pursuing a path of destruction?? Really? We didn’t have a clue! Thanks for pointing that out to us, daadijaan. You have shown us the light and we promise never to do that again. All apologies.”

*does uthak baithak 10 times*

[Considering that the president of the country is a 73 year old woman who should be singing lullabies and knitting sweaters for her great grandchildren, what happened to India was on the cards anyway.]

2. Shivraj Patil

It’s an outrage! Complete outrage! The terrorists were wearing branded Versace T-shirts and Calvin Klein underwear while I was just wearing a plain old bandhgala! I simply cannot let them steal the spotlight from me! This is just barbarism in the name of fashion! I am hereby resigning from my post as the best-dressed Home Minister and angrily marching towards Westside to do some shopping. And if someone calls, I’m not at Home (literally). But if it’s about the clothes I ordered from Mango the other day…

Oh and almost forgot : take a look at this

Heaven knows what would have happened if I had reached on time. I would have straightaway changed to a body fitting Amul Macho vest and low waist jeans, rushed inside and beaten them with my bare hands! And then changed back to regular clothes. It was their luck that they ran away in time.. grumble grumble…

3. R.R. Patil

I was nicely sitting at Marine Lines and nicely eating roasted singdanas when I heard about the attacks. It took me some time to come out of the shock and finish the singdanas before getting back on my feet and running the fuck for my life.

Bade bade shehron mein choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai senorita hehehehe hehehehe…

Manmohan Singh

If Patil is the Queen of The Obvious, then Singh is King!

Read this statement by the P.M.

“These attacks are an act to destablise the nation.”

Act to destablise the nation, are you sure? I mean, it could also have been one of many ways to spend a boring Wednesday afternoon, don’tcha think?

These Patils, Singhs, Deshmukhs and their idiot-value statements remind me of Information Theory and Coding all of a sudden. Let me explain why.

Remember Shannon entropy? It says, “The information entropy of a discrete random variable X with possible values {X1,X2 …, Xn} is given by

H(X) = ∑ (1 to n) p(X).I(X)
Where p = probability of the event, I = information content.

Applying this formula to Manmohan Singh’s statement,

Probability of a terrorist attack being an act to destablise the nation = 1, information content = 0

So, H(X) = ∑ (0).(1)

Thus, H(X)= 0

He could just as well have said, “Sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Stars are not visible during the day due to sunlight,” and it wouldn’t have made the slightest difference. But that’s according to Shannon, not me.

Pranab Mukherji

I have called up Pakistan Foreign Minister Mehmood Quereshi and Prime Minister Yousaf Gilani several times. They never pick up the phone, and quite frankly, their Jal callertune is irritating the balls out of me. I understand ki ab toh aadat si hai unko aise jeene ki, but I’m really pissed now. Plus the balance on my cellphone is also very low. We can think about an anti-terror plan later, let me think of a nice postpaid plan for myself first.

Raj Thackeray

[Mr. Thackeray is currently busy in his bathroom, and hence unavailable for comment. He may, however, claim that Biharis were behind this attack when he finally comes out from his hiding place. Meanwhile, the MNS activists have started slapping and kicking everyone arriving at Gateway of India in a boat, even if they were just tourists returning from a trip to the Elephanta caves.]

V.S. Achuthanandan

We should be proud that we were attacked! If not India, not even a dog would have attacked us. If not Mumbai, not even a cat would have infiltrated it. If not the Taj, not even a rat would have entered it. If not my ass, not even a rhinoceros would have fucked it. Oops, that never happened. Cough.

If(! Achuthyalikeme)
Not even an error would have entered this loop;

Vilasrao Deshmukh

This tragic incident has left me completely Nishabd. Oh Shiva, what the Phoonkh have they done? Terrorists maybe on the Daud in my state, but don’t you worry folks, Darna Mana Hai. I’m Mast, Darling, and if they extend my Sarkar Raj for another term, I’ll make them Naach until death. This is my promise to you, and this time, I’m speaking nothing but Satya.

Think twice before asking me to resign. Without me as the C.M., Darna Zaroori Hai.

Err… on a totally unrelated note, my son Ritiesh is very handsome, no? Acting is in his blood since childhood. Please, just one small role, bara ka?

Now if you excuse, I shall proceed to shove my head up Ram Gopal Varma Ki Arse.

The final word by a special guest :

Osama Bin Laden

First of all, I would like to congratulate Pakistan on this joyous occassion. Kaabil-e-taarif work, boys!

Always keep this in mind : India will go on with their condemning, threatening and demanding resignations, but expect no other action from them. They are as harmless as the soft, lazeez chicken that we have for dinner every night. So at this point, I would encourage you to increase your terror – it’s your life, make it large!

The ease with which you paddled your boat into their waters should be a clear indication of their security cover, which seems flimsier than Victoria’s Secret-e-Lingerie. Insha Allah, the day is not far away when you would be able to book terrorist vacations to India through ClearTerrorismTrip.com. They shall continue welcoming you every single time. Who knows, you might even get your own reservation seat quota in their IITs and IIMs. Masha Allah, ROTFL-e-LMFAO, Masha Allah!

Oh, and if you’re planning to hijack planes, you may avail of our newly constructed Kandahar Airport, exclusively reserved for hijacked aircrafts, hostages or some such. World class amenities, the last word in luxury terrorism. Parking for Pakistanis free.

*smoothens his beard and smiles*

Disclaimer : This post is not meant to cause any sort of controversy, or to blame anyone for anything. If I sound insensitive or unnecessarily caustic, it’s just my frustration pouring out. No Pakistanis were harmed in the writing of this post.

Just to be on the safe side, I got this post personally approved by the ISI. Jai Hind.

ISI dwaara pramaanit. Jan hith mein jaari.

ISI dwaara pramaanit. Jan hith mein jaari.


10 responses to “Terror Attacks – India Reacts.

  1. #include
    i=”your kerala post was the best”;

  2. Error in compilation, Sharath.

  3. Superb article Sacha.Hopefully it will be a long time before you write again on this theme.
    May the souls of the departed R.I.P

  4. Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
    – George Bernard Shaw

  5. c++ was never my cup of tea man! btw, it was supposed to be.
    #include (sachin mallu)
    #include (i’m write here lol)

    whaddap yo!

  6. ISI approved? This is hilarious!

  7. Man!!!!…I couldnt have put it better myself!!!…Awesome spoof……
    PS: Thnx 4 commenting on me blog!!! 🙂

  8. Humour alleviates the best 🙂

  9. In the event it will come to composing great articles you
    most certainly know your onions, congratulations!

    ! ! !

  10. Extremely witty!

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