Broken News Update – Live And Excluded.

Oh look! They have “detained” him. In his own house. With added security.

The whole world can now heave a collective sigh of relief. The bad guy has been “detained”, phew.

No parties or pocket money for a week, no TV after 10 and no sweets. No chatting to friends at night either. You are “detained”, young man. Now go to your room!

***

In other ridiculous news, U.S. asks Pakistan to “ensure there are no more terror attacks.”

That’s like asking Micheal Jackson to ensure your kids are well looked after. Consider it done, no sweat!

***

Irresponsible, corrupt politicians have been asked to resign so that the honest ones can take their place.

***

Pakistan cracks down on militants.

The Pakistani army then exchanges notes with the militants. That way, they can learn from each other and grow. Sharing is caring, knowledge is power.

***

Ram Gopal Chutiya to make a movie about 26/11 titled “Sarkar Taj in Sholay.” Riteish Deshmukh’s face to play the lead role of The Intelligence FAILURE.

That’s what the folks at Failblog call “AN EPIC FUCKING FAIL.”

***

Sales of candles and black (or white, depending on individual preference) T-shirts have gone through the roof.

***

Politicians realize the importance of High Scool Grammar in these testing times. After all, they need newer adverbs to prefix the word “condemn” – fastly condemn, highly condemn, strongly condemn, Olympically condemn, enormously condemn, tremendously condemn, awfully condemn etc.

***

Unnecessary mathematics : “This is India’s 9/11”, “Taj is India’s Ground Zero”, “5000 people supposed to be dead <<< 200 people dead.”

***

Wait and watch, wait and watch, wait and watch. Actually, just wait.

***

Excessive (ab)use of 9/11. I really don’t know what purpose it serves.

“26/11 was almost 9/11”

“This was just an unsuccessful 9/11 bid”

“9/11 is the new black”

“9/11 is not the value of Pi”

“0.81818181 is Math’s 9/11”

“Which 9/11 was worse? India’s or America’s? SMS 9/11 (space) India or 9/11 (space) America to 911911. Premium call charges apply – 9 rupees and 11 paise every minute”

***

Scene at the Thackeray household : Raj dancing away to the song “Mere haathon mein 9 11 choodiyan hain, thoda thehro Mumbai majbooriyan hain…”

***

Mumbai Police have been asked to deposit their old, defunct .303 rifles. Finally, I say. The government has decided to provide them with the latest, state-of-the-art, cutting edge weaponry, also known as pogo sticks. So the next time they are confronted with AK-47s, they can at least hop away to safety.

Constable More : “Oh shit, they have AK-47s! Now what?!”
Constable Kale (on his pogo stick) : “Shut up and bounce, bounce, just keep on bouncing. Behki behki hawayein…”

***

Media having a field day with the “sensational footage of people having dinner inside the Taj just days before the terrorist attack”, “breaking news : Pak president denies involvement in the attack for the 911th time” and “our special correspondents shoving microphones in the faces of people who have just been rescued. We want to know how they feel.”

***

Terrorists now have their own Rotary Club in Mumbai. They are also organizing a Laughter Club at Nana Nani Park every morning at 7 to wholeheartedly laugh at India.

***

A sudden shift in the attitude from “We’ve had enough, we are fuming! Like, really!” to “We are SO not going to go easy this time!” to “Hey, I think we are totally the only ones left here” to “I’m getting late for work. I don’t want my career to be like India’s 26/11, India’s 9/11 or America’s 9/11.”

***

Increase in the sales of Rang De Basanti DVDs followed by a sharp increase in the number of personal security guards standing outside defense minister’s home.

***

The nation’s top brains coming together to fiddle thumbs and whistle when asked about the status of the action against militants who are still roaming free.

***

Pointless lists – LeT on India’s black list, Lakhvi on ATS hit list, ATS on ISI’s shit list, JeM on US banned list, US banned list on Pakistan’s Unban list and Maulana Masood Azhar no longer on my Orkut friends list.

***

Documentaries that show pictures of old Mumbai with the song “Mumbai Meri Jaan” in the background and then suddenly cut to the Taj in flames and sound of gunfire and explosions in the background. Let’s salute the creativity.

***

Pictures of Ajmal Amir Kasav dude with a gun. That photo has been posted all over the place ad nauseum, ad infinitum. The new shaved face of Pakistani terror. Sources say Gillette are all set to sign him as the brand ambassador.

As a concerned citizen, it is my responsibility, nay duty to post that image in my blog too. So here it is :

New face of Pak Terror. Age no bar.

The Pakistan Navanirmaan Sena now recruiting. Age no bar.

Drop in sales of Versace T-shirts. India brands Versace shirts as “terror outfits”, giving a new meaning to the term “fashion victims.”

***

Slogans like “enough is enough”, “shit’s going down”, “don’t mess with us yo” and “bomb the dance floor” gaining popularity.

***

Finger pointing to no one in particular. The “Hey look at me, I’ve got 10 fingers, that means I can point towards… uhh ..7, 8, 9 suspects!” syndrome is spreading.

“It was the Lashkar-e-Toiba who did it!”

“No, this kind of sophistication is clearly the handiwork of Al Qaeda.”

“No way, Deccan Mujahideen have claimed responsibilty. Or was it was the Deccan Chargers? Or maybe Air Deccan. Ugh, too confusing. Let’s read it in the Deccan Herald tomorrow.”

“Bah, it is a huge conspiracy by Hindu-Zionists. Noticed the red strings around their wrists? Elementary, my dear Waseem.”

“Pfft, kids. Wake up people, blame the SIMI activists already. They are the ones who hate the country.”

“I’m telling all you morons, this was SIMI Garewal’s idea. She has a habit of bombing things wherever she goes. Even if she didn’t, please kill her.”

“Martians. Aaj Tak have irrefutable evidence.”

***

Allegedly, someone with a wacky sense of humour crank calls Pakistan and impersonates Pranab Mukherji. Everyone is expected to believe that. Pakistan sure has a lot of ways to keep the world entertained with amusing episodes like these in this seemingly never ending Star One soap.

***

Inidan Intelligence Sources have now been replaced by Artificial Intelligence Resources : an Intel Quad-Core Duo Processor with 4 GB RAM and NVIDIA 9800 GTX graphics card. No more intellegence failures, just high performance and unmatched efficiency.Ting ding ding ding!

***

Rs. 1 crore to be given to the kin of deceased army men and Rs. 5 crore to be given to the kin of deceased terrorists.

***

The next generation of punk rebels putting on black eyeliner and singing “don’t wanna be an Indian idiot, don’t wanna nation controlled by the media…”. They are featured on NDTV with the tagline “The next generation of punk rebels.”

***

Orbit white now available in fruit flavour.

***

Just like you forward patriotic e-mails and SMSes to combat terrorism, forward this post to as many people as you can. Do it only if you’re a true Indian and have any love/respect for your country. Besides, every time you view this blog, 9 rupees will be donated towards rebuilding of Taj and 11 rupees to the ISI Charitable Trust for future innovations. Jai Hind.

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6 responses to “Broken News Update – Live And Excluded.

  1. Shut up and bounce, bounce, just keep on bouncing. Behki behki hawayein…

    Brilliant dark humour, my man.

    I actually laughed till i realised that I shouldn’t.

  2. Yep. Jai Hind baby.

  3. “Elementary my dear Waseem”.

    “Even if she didn, kill her”

    “Martians. Aaj tak has irrefutable evidence”

    Awesomage!

  4. One of the best post so far.A blend of both:Humour and Anger

  5. Awesomeness!

  6. Black humor. God. Perfection. Your skills. _Synonyms

    wide-eyed, impressed, shocked, < Me.

    too-cool-to-be-emulate-able expressions used.
    Period. 😐

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