Crouching Tigers, Hidden Morons.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing one of the most feared terror groups ever. Nope, not talking about A Band of Boyz. This is much, much less serious.

Formative Years.

The El T T E was founded by Vellapillu Prybhakiran, a disgruntled college student, who thought to himself one fine day, “Hey. I’m friggin’ bored here. All of my friends have jobs, but I don’t. I have no future and I’m a certified loser. So how do I pass the time? Hmm. I know! I’ll go to the Government and demand a separate state for me and mah frenz! Ayyoo waat an idea, saarjee!”

The Showdown

(With Dolby digital surround sound effects in brackets)

An auto drops off a really ugly man (in ridiculously loud clothes) outside the Sansad Bhavan. He steps out in a manner that makes you believe He has polio-quadriplegia-epilepsy.

He takes a good look around, then reaches His back pocket and takes out a comb. As He moves His hand to comb His hair, a violent storm begins to pick up in the background – clouds swirl overhead, thunder cracks ferociously , lightning flashes in blinding streaks, wind wails in a high pitched scream, trees struggle to hold on to their roots. Anna has arrived.

He makes His way towards the Sansad Bhavan. With each step, the concrete beneath His feet cracks due to the immense Force. Men who were talking and laughing suddenly go quiet and lower their heads. Women quickly cover their faces with their pallu. Dogs start barking. A sense of dread hangs thick in the air.

Everyone’s been… thunderstruck.

Vellupillu reaches the President’s office and stares at the door. The door gets so scared that it opens up by itself. (thud thud thud!)

The Prez looks up, surprised. Vellupillu swaggers into the room, sits on the chair and rests His feet on a bunch of government documents. (flwoooouufff clang bloosh!)

Delicately, He lowers His large sunglasses and stares at the Prez. (whip whoosh whoosh)

Next, He reaches into His pocket and takes out a paper, tobacco and a matchbox. Carelessly, He tosses them in the air. (tatetatetateatetateate fwah fwah fwah)

In mid air,

• The paper wraps itself around the tobacco and tranforms into a Cuban cigar
• The matchbox opens by itself, Scarlett Johansson comes out of it with a lighter and lights the cigar
• Lands in His lap and places the lit cigar in His mouth.

Isko kehte hai tashan, mind it! (dhik chick dhik chick dhik chick tyaoon tyaoon tyaoon tooo!)

Prez: (WTF?) “Yes?”

Him: “I is wants separate state” (thunder crack boom)

Prez: “LOL, what?”

(Furiously takes off His glasses (whack whack whack))
(Stands up and bangs His palms on the table (dhoom dhoom dhoom))
(raises His finger (ppppeerrrffffff))

Him: “Aaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeee!!!”

(Silence)

Him: “I want separate state and that’s that. Nan ooru thadavai sonnal, nooru thadavi sonna mathivi!*” (loud applause)

Prez: [straightface] Ooh k… anything else? [/straightface]

Him: “No. That would be all.” (twirls his glasses 1750 times/sec and puts them back on (swishswishswishswish))

Prez: [snicker] You sure? Just a separate state? Nothing else? Say for instance, a separate continent or a separate planet in the Milky Way? [/snicker]

Him : (flattered) “Hehe, no dhanks da. I have zimble tastes.” [takes out a knife and combs his hair (swick swick swick)]

Prez: [wicked smile] “Why don’t you go home and relax? I’ll have it arranged, alright? Now kindly poda.” [/wicked smile]

Him: (Ecstatic) “Yesssss! Aye have da poweraa”

Suddenly fat,ugly sari clad women and fat,ugly lungi clad men appear out of nowhere and start dancing with him. (thika thikar thikar thik pe pe pe pe pe pe thikhar thikhar). Check out da moves da, it so sexy it make you sweat!

The collapse.

When our hero reached home, the police were waiting for him. But not for the reasons he anticipated. They beat the living shit out of him, put him on a boat and sent him to Sri Lanka.

Extremely embarrassed and depressed, Vellupillu decided that he would never return. And thus, he stayed – in some remote village outside Colombo where he ran a chai stall named L.T.T.E. (Lankan Thambi Tea Enterprise)- with revenge still burning in his mind.

He remained an unnoticed chaiwalla for many years, until that one fateful day…

The Rise To Notorietea.

The organization’s first case of violence was reported when they got into a gory clash with a group of Sri Lankan military men who had stopped over at their stall for chai, sutta and biscoot. Allegedly, the military men refused to pay up Vellupillu and his thambis for their order (20 cutting elaichi chais malai maarke, 10 packs of Goldflake ciggies, 2 packs of Haathichaap bidis and 25 packets of Parle G biscuits.) This pissed Vellupillu so much that he and his men picked up large kettles of hot, boiling tea and splashed it on the military men. The military men, skin scalded and all, ran away yelling “Ayyayo yenga appa kaal Raama El Tea Tea Eeeeeeeeeee! Hot tea hot tea hot tea!”

Nearby, a bunch of despo youths (the ones who watch Sun TV after midnight) overheard them screaming, and mistook “hot tea” for “hottie”. Expecting Silk Smitha/Velvet Vandana/Cotton Chandrika/Khadi Kadambari/Latex Latika, they ran in the direction of screams. However, the sight of burnt Lankan army men (who were already very ugly) shocked them so much that they lost their sanity.

The villagers who happened to witness this mass mayhem were shocked beyond words.

Slowly, the word started spreading. People were afraid to leave their homes. Things were taking on a political turn. Brooke Bond and Taj suffered massive losses.

This was just the beginning of the notorietea.

As time passed, the group established its roots firmly in Sri Lanka and continued to tighten its stranglehold. In under 4 years, the LTTE had grown from just a handful of jobless losers to this mega empire of over 2 handfuls of jobless losers.

Thus began the era of brutal, barbaric terror reminiscent of movies starring Kadar Khan, Govinda and Shakti Kapoor. The symphony of destruction, if you like.

Acts of Terror.

1. They once carried out the infamous suicide tea attack on the Sri Lankan government, fondly remembered as the Colombo Tea Party.
2. They begin all their terror strikes with the famous catch-phrase “Chalo yaaron, ek chai ho jaye!” and taunt their victims with the lethal line, “Would you like some more tea, saar?”
3. Fiercely dedicated and prepared for any sacrifice for the cause of their brothers, these men have been known to wear necklaces with heart-shaped cyanide pill pendants, which they consume if caught. The pills turned out to extremely handy when 50 men swallowed them after watching the first 10 minutes of Sivaji – The Boss. Rajinikanth’s nauseating make up, ROTFLWTFBBQ dressing and pathetic direction made them take their own lives. Now that’s a good cause right there.
4. Their weapon cache is supposed to contain stuff like AK-47s, grenades, swords, land mines, Darjeeling tea, Mumbai Masala tea and even South Indian Filter kaapi.
5. To get any idea of how brutal they can be, watch the following videos.
   WARNING: These videos are extremely graphic. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT watch them if you are above 60/ have a weak heart/an invertebrate wuss/a faggot/a chaiwalla/pregnant because of your neighbour’s son/an autorickshaw driver.

   Atrocity!

   Horror!

   Waatdafaack!

   Br00tal!

   Le assault on ze senses!

6. Their preferred modus operandi of getting their message across is self-immolation, or pouring hot tea over themselves.

   Sample scenarios:

   LTTE kid : Mommy, I want Kandy!
   Mom : Absolutely not, it’ll ruin your teeth.
   LTTE kid: I want I want I want I want!
   Mom : *slap slap slap*
   LTTE kid : *immolates self*

   I-T Dept : Sir, we are from the income tax department. We found some discrepancy–
   LTTE guy : *immolates self*

   Girl: Honey, I have to do some shopping. Give me your credit card please.
   LTTE guy : *immolates self*

   Girl: Honey, I have two VIP passes to Akon’s concert next week. Will you–
   LTTE guy : Akon?!! *consumes cynadine pill necklace, immolates self twice and blows up self*

   Man: Dude! Liverpool lost again!
   LTTE guy : So?

L.T.T.E. soundtrack

Cashing in on the unexpected rise in popularity, the L.T.T.E. even came out with an official soundtrack of hit songs that go remarkably well with their agenda:

Come on baby light my fire – The Doors
I’m just a hunka hunka burning love – Elvis Presley
Ek garam chai ki pyaali ho – Anu Malik
Bidi jalayle jigar se piya – Omkara
We didn’t start the fire – Billy Joel
Chingari koi bhadke, isse kaun bujhaye? – Who cares?
Jiya jale jaan jale nainon tale dhuaan chale (kundiri mundiri pundirikyo something) – A.R. Rahman
Fight fire with fire – Metallica
Tann ki jwaala thandi ho jaye aise gale laga jaa – Some guy in funny clothes

Bonus track : Tandoori Nights – God Himesh

L.T.T.E. – The Album brought to you by Waghbakri chai in association with Ship carborized matches. All songs have been remixed by A.R. Rahman. Jai ho!

People I accidentally mistook as members or supporters of the L337 Gang, but in fact are not even remotely related to them, but then again who can really tell? Pfft, this is turning out to be a testimony to my callous apathy and blissful ignorance, but then who really cares?

PS: As usual, I’m not serious. Andava solrai, Sachin pandra**. Capiche?

* If I’ve said it once, it’s like saying it a 100 times.
** God tells, Sachin does.