Monthly Archives: June 2009

EX-Men Origins: Breakups Before Beginnings.

Every superhero has a past. A past that speaks not just of the days they’ve saved, the bad guys they’ve slain and the sequels they’ve made, but also about their failed relationships.

This summer, superheroes from all around the world will unite to face their past… and take on humanity’s biggest nemesis ever : love. For there doth not exists a burden heavier than a lovesick heart, a crisis bigger than a fucked up relationship, and a Kryptonite deadlier than an estranged lover’s fury.

In an age where nuclear warfare threatens the annihilation of mankind, 6 superheroes find a bigger problem on their hands. This is their journey – from X-Men to Ex-Men.

Only in expensive theaters.

Professor Charles Francis Xavier | Professor X

Professor Charles Xavier is the founder and the dean of the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning. Not the Churchgate one, silly – that’s for Lower Learning. This one’s for mutants, and there are no SC/ST/OBC reservations here.

Powers: World’s most powerful telepath, capable of astral projection, mind control, illusion casting, memory manipulation, psychic blasts, as well as sensing the presence of other mutants in a limited radius.

Breakup story:

Xavier is blessed with a power that every guy on the planet would kill for – he can READ, CONTROL AND MANIPULATE thoughts. Just think! He is the only man on Earth who’s capable of figuring out what his girlfriend is really thinking, and actually dictating her thoughts.

Imagine:

Prof X: Evening honey!

Girl: Hey, love. I was thinking that maybe today…

(Prof immediately reads her thoughts)

Prof X: ..that you want to watch Notting Hill with me?

Girl (amazed) : Oooh, it was like you read my mind there!

Prof X: Yes, and I can change it too.

(Telepathically erases her memory and derails her train of thought.)

Girl: Oh Proffie, chuck Notting Hill. Let’s watch football instead. Wait, I’ll get you masala sing dana and beer. And how about having wild, raunchy sex after the match?

Girl (scratching head): Did I just say that? Funny, I don’t remember…

(Prof X zaps her memory again.)

Prof X: Much better. Make sure the beer’s cold.

**
However, this didn’t last for too long. Just when Prof. X was beginning to think that he had it all under control, prime time T.V. shows came in to ruin his party. To his pleasant horror, he discovered that : a confused woman + even more confused woman on Star World + retarded self-help advise = catastrophe.

Girl: Xavier, you lying controlling freak!

Prof X (telepathically sensing a rebellion): What’s wrong, babe?

Girl: Don’t babe me, asshole. I know that you’ve been messing with my head all this time.

(Prof X tries to quickly change her thoughts.)

Girl: Ha! That won’t work anymore, bastard! I took expert tips from Oprah and Dr. Phil, and now you no longer control me. I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man like you. I’m a strong, independent woman…

(Prof. X attempts mind control and psychic sabotage.)

Prof X: Oh shit, I – I can’t..damn I – I. It’s like a force field inside her head.

Girl: I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need…

Prof X: Aaah stop it.. my head.. aaarrggh I can’t take it anymore…

Girl: Now you know how I felt. I’m a strong, independent woman…

Prof. X has begun frothing at the mouth.

Girl : That’s right. I’m breaking up with you. And this is for everything you did to me.

*picks up a chappati rolling pin and starts hitting him on the head with it*

Now you know why Xavier uncle is bald, permanently confined to a wheelchair and always carries an indignant expression on his face.

Scott Summers | Cyclops

Scott Summers is one of the veterans in the X-men line-up, but has had his share of relationships woes. Mostly due to his impaired vision.

Powers: Cyclops possesses the mutant ability to project a beam of heatless ruby-colored concussive force from his eyes, which act as inter-dimensional apertures between this universe and another.

Breakup story:

Scott met his then girlfriend, Rupali Gajanan Bhavathankar, at a college DJ party. It was truly love at first…’sight’ for them. As he fell head over heels in love with her, his friends cracked sly jokes about “love being blind”. However, that did not deter them and their relationship blossomed faster than plants in a greenhouse.

Until that one fateful day, when he accompanied her to a shopping mall.

“How do you like this top, sweetie?”

“I dunno. I’m blind.”

“Do you think these bangles go well with the colour of my eyes?”

“I dunno. I’m blind.”

“Ah hey! See this? Garnier’s new under-eye-over-eyelid-beneath-earlobes highlighting cream. I’ve been looking for this for days!”

“B-L-I-N-D. Get it? No?”

“Ooooh look! This beautiful Chinese porcelain vase is on sale for just Rs. 10,000! And they’re giving away free peanuts too.”

“Oh crap. I wish I was fucking deaf too.”

“What’s that sweetie? You said something?”

“Yes, I did. I hate this relationship and I want out! I’m the leader and headmaster of X-Men, not some Pappu Chutya who tags his chamiya to shopping malls. You hear me? I fucking hate you, you piece of trash!”

“I understand, love. But do you think these earrings make my ass look fat?”

“Alright. That’s enough of this shit. I’ll no longer look at the world through my ‘rose tainted glasses’. Die, bitch!”

*Scott takes off his glasses and incinerates her to ashes with his laser beam vision*

“Chapter closed. I’m moving on, man.”

James “Logan” Howlett | Wolverine

Logan a.k.a. Wolverine is the team’s most senior and probably the most unshaven member. He’s arguably the toughest guy on the team, but when it comes to relationships, he’s more of a bheegi billi than a wolf.

Powers: Healing factor, enhanced senses, and retractable bone claws. Has the indestructible metal Adamantium bonded to his skeleton, allowing for enhanced physical attributes and razor sharp metal claws.

Breakup story:

Mr. Wolverine is sitting at the table one Sunday morning, reading page 3 of Mutant Mirror and sipping on his adrak tea. His girlfriend, Parminder Kaur from Patiala, strides in.

Wolverine, who has extremely well developed senses, smells trouble.

Wolverine (to himself): *sniff sniff* Strong perfume…a hint of anger in the her walk…PMS vibes… man, I’m in deep shit!

He hides behind the newspaper and pretends he’s completely absorbed in reading.

“Wolfy, we need to talk.”

“Fuck it. Here we go.”

“What’s that?” (glares at him)

“Nothing, nothing! You were saying?”

“Listen.. I want to talk about our relationship. I think we need to work few things out.”

(mutters under breath) “Deeper shit. Logan, tu toh gaya.”

“Wolfy, I think you need to take a little more responsibility around the house. I can’t do all the chores on my own. No bai would dare to work for us because they are shit scared of your anger management issues, and I can’t devote time to my career if I keep running around the house all day.”

“So what do you want me to do? Should I stop saving the world, sit at home and chop vegetables with my metal claws?”

“It wouldn’t kill you to help me, Wolfy. I have a very important meeting coming up this week.”

“Stop pissing me off with your bullshit. And quit calling me Wolfy – it sounds like a dog’s name.”

“And you stop trying to dominate me. It’s annoying me as well.”

“You know what? I -”

Wolverine gets up and advances towards her. She grabs him by the collar and shoves him back in the chair.

Oye baith itthe tu, wolf de aulaad. If you’re a wolf, remember, I AM A BITCH! Tujhse sau guna badi kuttiya hoon main. Samajh gaya tu?

Wolverine gulps.

(rolling up sleeves) “Khasman khaneya, khotteya… nikamma na hove toh… tenu main dassni haan! Tu mere kol khade reh – pakad ke dho davaangi, haddi pasli ek na kitti taa mera naam vi Parminder nahi. Sau kutte mare hovenge, je tu paida hoya!”

Wolfy curls into a ball. His eyes have welled up.

(Showing her nails) “Aye tusi inn nakhuno nu vekheya? Tere saare waalaan nu noch davaangi main!”

Next morning, Wolfy packed his bags and ran away back to the wilderness, singing “Mahi menu nahi karna pyaar“.

It’s much safer in the wilderness anyway.

Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin | Colossus

Colossus is the Casanova among X-men. Despite having a name like Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin, he has always been a hit with the ladies. That’s because he has a power that no other mutant has – his massive, gigantic, Colossal organ that keeps throbbing and thumping all day long. I’m talking about his heart, of course. Ladies swoon and go weak in the knees when they hear it go dhak dhak. Score!

Powers: Able to convert into living organic metal form, granting vast superhuman strength and near-invulnerability. Can survive for long periods without oxygen or sustenance while in this form.

Breakup story:

All you need to know is here : Colossus: A Stud’s Story.

At this rate, he could easily qualify as a Bollywood hero.

Dr. Henry Philip “Hank” McCoy | Dark Beast

Hank is the scientist on the team. Some say he is the animal on the team. He presently works with all the X-Men, also is the team’s doctor.

Powers: Superhuman strength, speed, stamina, agility, reflexes, enhanced senses, ambidexterity with hands and feet, ape-like form, blue fur.

Breakup story:

Dr. McCoy was going steady with his crush, Jigna C. Patel. All was fine in paradise, until Jigna started suspecting him of having an affair with one of his patients.

Their relationship hit the rocks when one day Dr. McCoy returned home late from work.

“Hmm… you’re late today.”

“Yeah, a patient had come in at the last minute, so I had stay back.”

“You seem to be getting a lot of last minute patients lately…”

“Excuse me?”

“Tell me. Was this patient…a girl?”

“What? What are you trying to say?”

“Don’t play games with me. This is the fourth time this week that you’re late because of these ‘last minute patients’ of yours.”

“I am doctor, for Christ’s sake! They’re just my patients!”

“Yeah yeah yell at me.. you’re a lion at home, but you turn into a little kittenpussy in front of women.”

“I can’t help it. I’m a mutant, jeez!”

“Mutant AND a cheap flirt.”

“Sigh. Can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m really tired.”

“Of course. Your patient seems to have sapped most of your superhuman power.”

“Merciful heavens! Give it a rest already.”

“No, you give IT a rest. I know what you’ve been doing with your ambidextrous hands and feet.”

At this point, he jumped out of the window and ran way.

Mr. McCoy didn’t report to the hospital the next day. His whereabouts are still unknown, although sources suspect that he and Wolverine are sharing a room somewhere.

Ororo Iqadi Munroe-Wakandas | Storm:

Powers: Weather manipulation (lighting bolts, wind, rain, etc.), flight by ‘riding’ wind currents.

Breakup story:

Storm was the only superhero to have had a perfect relationship. She had fallen in love with and married a local T.V. channel weatherman. Everything seemed just perfect, as if it were the script of yet another extremely intelligent Yashraj movie.

Unfortunately, Storm had no idea that the guy she had married was actually a one-of-a-kind scheming bastard.

He persuaded Storm into running a massive money-for-weather scam with him. Allegedly, he coaxed her into manipulating the weather and informing him beforehand, so that his predictions would always be correct. He would also sell this rigged weather information to other T.V. channels for dirty cash. On many occasions, he would force her to use her powers to change the weather during matches and win bets.

The worse was yet to come. One morning, without any warning, the weatherman sold the house, emptied their joint accounts, took all the money and escaped in a weather balloon.

As expected, Storm was angry beyond words, and that led to many cyclones, hurricanes and tsunamis in her locality for many days.

Moral of the story: never trust weathermen. They are all lying bastards. Use your own judgment and carry an umbrella.

Moral of the story (2): never trust men in general. They are all lying bastards too. Use your own judgment and carry a gun.

—-

Do you have an interesting breakup story too? Mail me your stories at sachin.spce AT rediffmail DOT com. The best stories win a box of tissues and my shoulder for an entire evening.

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My Conversation With God.

Who do you go to in your darkest moments?

How do you explain to the world what you’re going through?

What would you do when there’s no light in sight?

I turned to the source that everyone eventually turn to when they’ve lost all hope – Providence.

It was early in the evening when I reached the local Shiva temple. Still around 3 hours until the evening puja, so there were not too many people there – just about 20-30 – scattered in small groups across the vast marble floor in front of the Shiva idol.

I walked in gingerly and scurried away to the furthest corner of the temple, careful not to attract any attention. After all, atheists are not the kind of people welcome at places of worship. Thankfully, nobody noticed.

I sat there, resting against a pillar, dissolving into the temple’s serene aura. There was something about the place that seemed to have a sedative effect on you. People sitting around were completely absorbed in meditation. They spoke, if ever, only in barely audible whispers. The entire place was absolutely quiet, save the occasional gusts of wind rustling the leaves outside – the perfect setting to listen to your thoughts, reflect and contemplate.

I took a few deep breathes and went over the horrors that had tormented me for so long…and I felt so much better. The positive energies had such profound influence on me that the past didn’t seem to matter at all.

I turned to look at Shiva. He sat in His usual meditative stance, eyes half closed, trident in one hand and a damru in the other.

Suddenly, He opened his eyes and looked at me.

Shiva: “What the? Hahahahahahahahahaha!”

Me: “?”

Shiva: “Oooh what happened there, my little non-believer friend?”

Me: “Yeah, right. As if you can’t see.”

Shiva: “Are you kidding me? I see everything! I have 20-20 vision in all 3 of my eyes!”

Me: “So you know, huh. I came here because I need your help.”

Shiva: “Suuure. I’ll be more than happy to help you out. You poor Manchester United supporter! Bwahahahahahahahaha!”

Me: (mutters under breath)

Shiva: “I heard that!”

Me: “Sorry. Anyway, give me some answers now, please?”

Shiva: “Wait a second, my eager beaver. Let me savour this wonderful moment. Hey Parvati, check out who’ve we got here today!”

Parvati: “ROFL. This is funnier than the time Ganesha stumbled and fell down after eating too much.”

Ganesha: “Mooom! Stop embarrassing me!”

Parvati: “Oh come on, boy. Grow up!”

Ganesha was so annoyed that he plugged in his iPod earphones with two hands while simultaneously deleting his parents’ wedding pictures from Picasa with the other two.

Me: “Erm, family issues later, if you please.”

Shiva: “Aah, right. So United lost. What’s the big deal? Get over it, man.”

Me: “It’s not so simple, God. The pain refuses to go away. I had so much hope riding on them…”

Shiva: “And you think it’s easy for me?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Shiva: “I am a Manchester United fan too. So are my wife and kids.”

Me: “Whaaaat?!!”

Shiva: “That’s right. Don’t go by my blue colour; I’m NOT a City or Chelsea supporter. Just a bad case of food poisoning…”

Me: “Wow. This is news. So tell me, what happened? Why did United lose?”

Shiva: “Hmm, it’s complicated. You see, it was after a long, fiery debate that all Gods arrived at this decision – United HAD to lose.”

Me: “But why?”

Shiva: “Uhh, alright, I’ll tell you. See, the final was in Rome.”

Me: “So?”

Shiva: “What is Rome famous for?”

Me: “Pizza? Fashion? Women? Francesco Totti?”

Shiva: *facepalm* “No, idiot. Rome is home to the Vatican – The Roman Catholic HQ headed by the Pope.”

Me: “I don’t see where this is going…”

Shiva: “Oh don’t you get it? How could we let a team named ‘The Red Devils’ triumph in Jesus’ city? It would have been so utterly humiliating for Him. In the times of modern science and technology, religion is already losing popularity. Such an added insult would have completely ruined His PR and stuff. And imagine, if people would have started worshipping Sir Alex instead.”

Me: “Well, that’s true…”

Shiva: “Damn right it is. I, for one, didn’t agree with it. I love United.”

Me: “You do?”

Shiva: “Yeah. But they had a poll and most supported Jesus. They couldn’t afford to let go of the strong Catholic base in Barcelona.”

Me: “Wow, so twisted and manipulative of Him. It’s so much like pre-election political tactics. And I thought only Congress were good at it…”

Shiva: “I’m afraid so. Getting votes isn’t hard. Not when you have the power to convert water to wine, if you know what I mean.”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Shiva: “So there.”

Me: “But… but… aren’t you going to do something about it?”

Shiva: “I am, actually. I’m planning to change next year’s venue to somewhere in the Middle East. Devils winning there would look appropriate, if you know what I mean.”

Me: “Yes, I do know what you mean! Stop saying that!”

Shiva: “Don’t give me that attitude, boy. I’ll take away Ronaldo this instance if I want to.”

Me: “No no no no, chill mate, chill. Your anger management issues are well known. I apologize.”

Shiva: “Hmm ok.”

Me: “So United are going to win next year, right?”

Shiva: “The night is the darkest before the dawn, and I assure you, the dawn is coming…”

Me: “Oh sweet! Promise?”

Shiva: “Promise.”

Me: “God promise?”

Shiva: “Dude, that’s redundant.”

Me: “Err, right. My bad. Anywho, thanks a lot for the inside info. Glory glory Man United!”

Unfortunately, I uttered the last sentence a little too loudly. People who were sitting there turned around and glared at me.

Me: “Oops, sorry.”

Crowd: (menacingly) “What was that again?”

Me: “Nothing.. I just got a little carried away…”

Crowd: “Stop with the excuses. Just tell us what you said.”

Me: “Uhh…Shiva promised me that United will win next year.”

Crowd: “What?”

Me: “I know, I’m sorry. I should have never come here in the first place. I’ll leave right away.”

Crowd: “No no no, hold on. We’re all United supporters too!”

Me: “WTF?!!”

Crowd: “Obviously. All of us had come here for the same reason you did. Who else would come here?”

Me: “Ouch!”

Shiva: “Touché. Sigh.”