Monthly Archives: August 2009

Shhh! Did You Hear Something?

Well, hello.

Today, I want all of you to meet a bunch of failures – the worst in their field. Please take a moment to feel sad about them, okay?

Luciano Pavarotti – Italian tenor – Fail.

Andrea Bocelli – Italian tenor – Bigger fail.

Placido Domingo – Spanish tenor – El failure.

Jose Carreras – – Spanish tenor – El epico failure.

Bruce Dickinson, Rob Halford, Robert Plant, Ronnie Dio, Ozzy Osbourne – Heavy metal vocalists – Embarrassing high pitched fails.

John Lennon, Paul McCartney – The Beatles – Beaterrible fails.

Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen – Rock vocalists –
Grammy winning failures.

S.D Burman, R.D Burman, Kishore Kumar, Mohammad Rafi – Indian singers – Some more award winning, critically acclaimed failures.

Lata Mangeshkar, Asha Bhosale – Indian singers – nightin-fails of India.

You ask me, why do all these people fail? What do they have in common that results in their failure?

Answer: their voice. They have just one voice. Can you believe that? Just one stupid, lame, boring voice.

In today’s music industry, only losers work with just one voice. The more talented folk develop a second voice to add an extra dimension to their already dynamic range. Case in point – read this to believe your ears. Some more links here and here.

This story has spread like a wild forest fire and has got the Indian blogosphere abuzz with posts. Suddenly, swine flu doesn’t seem like a threat anymore.

I dropped everything and double-checked the article just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating or something. It’s as if one voice wasn’t enough to enthrall the audiences to the point of aural orgasms, the Nasal Whiner goes ahead with a surgery to get a SECOND voice. Wrong surgery, mate.

The article also mentions something about the new voice having a “base middle octave”. Now I have very poor understanding of music, notes, types of voices etc., so I just Googled this term and found this –

A base middle octave is powerful enough to match the resonance frequency of large buildings, trigger destructive oscillations and cause absolute mayhem.

Click here to watch Himesh testing his new voice atop a bridge.

Shit happens a lot more frequently these days, it seems. Before you even know it, His Capped Suckiness is going to unleash his second voice on the world. Do yourselves a favour and pierce your respective eardrums.

Cause

HIM.

Effect

Jesus H. Christ

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Cursed Luck.

Irony.

Pronunciation: ‘I-r&-nE also ‘I(-&)r-nE

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural -nies

Etymology: Latin ironia, from Greek eirOnia, from eirOn dissembler

(1) Incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result

(2) An event or result marked by such incongruity – incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play — called also dramatic irony, tragic irony.

Source: Merriam-Webster.

I’ve been itching to watch something ridiculous/hilarious for a long time, so I watched the epic classic, Luck. Here’s the review.

The Cast:

You would have to kindly bear with me on this because I couldn’t recognize most of the cast properly. Perhaps there was something wrong with my eyes, perhaps I was too overwhelmed due to all the mega awesomeness around me… I really can’t put my finger on it. Consequently, I request you to use your own judgment, which I believe is much more reliable than mine. Think about it – I WATCHED the movie, didn’t I?

Sanjay Dutt

The veteran actor plays Karim Moosa, the luckiest gambler in the universe. The opening scene features a blindfolded Dutt racing across multiple train tracks (when the trains are running, of course) but escaping without a scratch. The movie then takes us back to his childhood and shows how he survived a mosque collapse when he was a 9 month baby, a 4 storey drop when he was 7, a destructive flood when he was 13. This is justified by saying, “he’s just incredibly lucky.”

A deleted scene from the movie particularly caught my fancy:

A blindfolded Dutt is asked to pick a blue ball from a box containing 10 balls, all of different colours. Probability says his chances of picking up the correct ball is just 1/10. But as we all know, Mathematics is just a superstition that means nothing in real life. So, when Dutt puts his hand inside the box, he not only picks up the correct ball, but also an AK-56, ammo and drugs along with it! TADA! Not so lucky after all, huh?

Imran Khan

Another extremely lucky character in the movie. He rivals Dutt with his list of “lucky survivals.”

What he doesn’t realize is that the list also includes his previous movie, Kidnap. The fact that his career actually survived the cataclysmic catastrophe is a testament to the sheer power of good luck. So I guess his character makes a lot of sense. Good casting decision fellas!

Shruthi Haasan

Luck can be cruel sometimes, or so seems to be the case with Shruthi Haasan. After all, she is the daughter of the legendary actor Kamal Haasan and the mythical actress Sarika, so we should have expected acting to be in her genes, right?

Right?

*long, uncomfortable, embarrassing silence*

Cough. As I said, luck can be extremely cruel sometimes.

But hey, I loved her single note robotic voice though – it brought back memories of an engrossing Stephen Hawking presentation. Although I must say that Hawking, even with his condition, is more expressive than this lump of wood.

Luckily, it is only her voice that is as flat as an ironing board. The rest of her isn’t… so I guess that somehow makes up for her presence.

S Gerard

Ravi Kissan

Fortune favours the brave, they say. And the brave favour Bollywood. Apparently, limiting himself to the boundaries of highly acclaimed Bhojpuri films wasn’t enough for a man of Ravi Kissan’s caliber, which explains why he graced this movie with his impeccable elegance.

He plays a perverted psychopath in the film. Sources say that it took him over 10 seconds of untiring effort to get into character. The same sources also say that he hasn’t been able to come out of it since.

ravikissan

Chitrashi Rawat

The attempted comic relief. She wasn’t really required as the plot easily accomplished comedy of the greatest degree of hilarity all by itself.

In one of the most intelligently plotted and cleverly directed moments in the movie, a shark bites off Chitrashi’s leg. This also wasn’t really required because she is already lame to begin with.

This movie could have much been better without the odd redundancy here and there, you know.

parthiv-shortcut

Danny Denzongpa

There’s nothing wrong with his role/acting. He looks remarkably fit for his age, and his performance was the only thing worth watching in the entire movie. My respect, Mr Denzongpa.

Mithun Chakraborty

Let me get this straight once and for all: no one, and I mean NO ONE mocks Mithunda. He is a legend, and shame on you if you dare make fun of him ever. EVER.

The Climax:

(Spoiler alert – but you will be glad I saved your time and money.)

Obviously, there can’t be TWO lucky people alive at the same time, so they decide to settle it by playing a little game of chance. There are two guns to choose from – one has 5 blanks and just 1 bullet and other has all 6 intact. They have to choose one and shoot each other. Clearly, the guy picking up the first gun has only 1/6 chance of survival, correct? Well, think again.

Both of them pick up a random gun and shoot each other. As luck would have it, the guy who picks the gun with just one bullet does not shoot a blank. You almost begin to celebrate their deaths, when BAM! Story mein twist.

Dutt survives because he’s hit on the arm. Imran survives because (and I’m not making this up. This is how the movie really ended.) HE IS BORN WITH A RARE MEDICAL CONDITION WHEREIN HIS HEART IS LOCATED ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE INSTEAD OF THE LEFT, AND THUS WHEN DUTT AIMED AND SHOT AT HIS HEART, THE BULLET MISSED IT.

The ‘Doctor’ then explains that this rare condition occurs in only 1 in 50,000 cases. What luck.

Incidentally, the guy who wrote the script was also born with a similar condition: he was born with his braincells located inside his ass instead of his skull. That’s not rare, is it?

Sanjay Dutt pushes his luck yet again by trying to sound all philosophical : “I’ve been really lucky all my life, but you know what? Luck only graces those who have the desire to win.” Fair enough, but this is nowhere to be seen in the movie. All of them are shown succeeding or failing only because of chance. And Dutt is depicted as this Mafia Lord who makes his living off bets, so I’m not sure why they would even attempt to rationalize such a lame plot with a philosophical statement. Just unbelievably epic chutyagiri.

To sum it up…

It may be writer/director Soham Shah’s second movie, but we don’t see Beginner’s luck favouring him. Beginner’s luck, get it? Hahahaha. Hahaha. Hmm.

And if you are one of those people who really believe that wearing a horse shoe pendant around your neck will bring you good luck, I propose tying an entire horse around yours and the entire cast’s neck and dumping all of you in the ocean. If you come out alive, you are indeed lucky and deserve to watch many more such intellectually stimulating movies. If not, well, hard luck.

Which brings us back to irony. All members of the cast think that they are luckier than the others without realizing what massive misfortune they have collectively wreaked upon the poor audience. Move over Shakespeare, your tragic ironies just got owned!

And finally, the question arises…

When I know that the movie is going to suck, why do I still go to a theater and watch it?

Good question.

You see, I’m a staunch follower of teh internets. On teh internets, there is a popular Rule that goes,

1. Do whatever it takes to get lulz.

2. Make sure the lulz is widely distributed. This will allow for more lulz to be made.

3. The game is never over until all the lulz have been had.

That is what I do. I purposely watch shitty movies such as this just for the lulz. And I must say, I wasn’t disappointed. Luckily.

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