Monthly Archives: January 2010

How To Win The US Presidential Elections And The Nobel Peace Prize In 5 Easy Steps.

A little update before we begin: just last week, my mailbox was flooded with over 3 emails enquiring why I’ve been away for so long. Well, actually just 2. The other was a penis enlargement cream commercial, but that’s not the point. The point is that people care – if not about my blog, then at least about my health and well-being.

Real life has been tricky lately, leaving very little time to do things I really love. For instance, I barely get enough time to catch all the episodes of my favourite entertainment show – Rehna Hai Teri Palkhon Ki Chaaon Mein. I was heartbroken when I found out that Kanchan’s mother wants Suman to marry Kartik, not Karan. In the name of God, how could you do that to the poor orphan girl?

Will Kanchan’s mother have a change of heart? Can Karan convince his brother to stop acting like a douche bag? Will the viewers ever figure out how the family, who sit around all day long either drawing Rangolis or bitching behind each other’s backs, pay the electricity bills and the house rent? What if we find out that Ramu kaka is an undercover Ninja Assassin hired to kill the entire family? Will true love emerge victorious in the end or will Kanchan’s mother’s rotund ass crush it under its massive weight?

All your answers in the next riveting episode. Keep watching.

And now, back to the post.

Let’s start with a few words of wisdom from Paulo Coelho:

When you really want something, the entire Nobel Selection Committee conspires against the rest of the nominees of the universe and gives it to you instead.

I agree with Mr. Coelho. If it is the Nobel Committee that you want to tuck away in your back pocket, then Urim and Thummim are of no use my friend. You have to devise your own strategy to win. If you can’t think of one on your own, just follow my five-fold success plan free of cost:

1. Be heard

Start your quest by understanding the importance of an appealing voice. Please note that you’re going to need a great voice to bullshit people about selected issues from a wide range of choices handed down to us by our forefathers. Just to help you begin, here are some free themes that you may use. Kindly grab a pencil and paper and note these down.

A. World peace.
B. Moon peace.
C. Sun peace.
D. Nuclear disarmament is countries that can’t even spell disarmament.
E. Nuclear empowerment in the USA only, so that item A. can be accomplished peacefully.
F. Tax relief for the multi-millionaires and the unemployed – to show that you care about both “extremes” of society. This little exercise can be more effective if you can make a nice PowerPoint presentation showing how you’re going to fund item E. by heavily taxing the middle class. Please use bright colours and attractive fonts in your slides so that they will be taken in the right spirit.
G. Organizing belly dancing nights and providing free booze-on-tap at every old age home and orphanage.

Now that you have your very own agenda, start your vocal training. No one would ever take you seriously if you repeated the above in an Anu Malik voice or a Farhan Akhtar voice. You would sell many albums, yes, but as I said, people will not take you seriously.

For a candidate to sound really impressive, their voice must have 4 mandatory tones: rich, deep, crisp and honest.

The rich tone signifies your credibility. It should not be arrogant, but instead very down-to-earth and humble. The I’m-a-billionaire-but-I-give-a-dime-about-you-people-living-on-the-streets kind.
The deep tone marks your masculinity, which you will use to politely threaten poor countries. This deep tone is mainly used to attract ladies across all age brackets, hence it is very important.
The crisp tone indicates clarity. It highlights your single minded focus on world domination.
And the fourth tone, the honest tone. This tone is used to carry off all the other tones smoothly. It is the gulp of water that will make swallowing shards of metal much easier.

The resultant voice should be flawless. It will not only strengthen diplomatic relations between countries, but also gives channels like CNN something to talk about.

2. No Teething Problems.

The second absolutely vital requirement for winning a Nobel peace prize is dental hygiene. Maintaining a set of flawless, pearly white teeth is yet another filling in the Nobel cavity. Please note that it is easier for people to accept a man with a perfect smile as the new face of hope than some toothless oldie who wears dentures. Please take this subject very seriously and start flossing at least twice daily.

3. What’s Your Age Again?

The third indispensable point is the need to appear youthful. You can’t achieve world peace if you delivered all your speeches from a wheel chair or had to take frequent breaks to change the incontinence diapers. To avoid this scenario and to show that you still got it, please follow these simple instructions:

1. Get photographed “playing” basketball with a group of African American youths. Playing may imply either holding a basketball in your hand and smiling, or appearing to have a serious discussion with the aforementioned youths, while still holding the ball in your hand.

2. Use youth oriented colloquialisms like “dude”, “yo”, “what’s up”, “rock the house” and “keep it real” to show that you are still a boy fresh out of college. Keep referring the urbandictionary.com to keep your “youth vocab” updated, but kindly avoid accidental usage of slang terms for genitalia.

3. Aside from wearing business suits, also wear “sporty” attire to show your extra-curricular side. Get photographed at a golf course so that your attire goes well with the background. This step could be avoided if you bear any resemblance to Tiger Woods.

4. Whenever you get a chance, please visit some broke neighbourhood to show your concern. Talk to the locals there and keep nodding your head as they narrate their list of problems. DO NOT FORGET to get photographed holding someone’s baby in your arms and playing with its hair. Also, try to get photographed patting a handicapped person’s back/ making a sandwich in someone’s kitchen/ helping an old lady cross a street. Remember to wear the same full monty smile in all photographs.

4. Verbal Stimulation Package.

The fourth step – touching people. No, not in the Bill Clinton way, silly. You must choose words that touch people deep, deep inside. For these purposes, you must consult the good people from Hollywood. Ask them to write some powerful, emotionally stirring speeches for you. They should be impressive enough to make the average redneck go, “wow, that was impersiveful…some!” and vague enough to be interpreted in at least a 100 ways. Add a touch of humour to keep your audience awake. Basically, the speech should leave people confused, but happy.

Since you are new at this, allow me to provide a few sample lines that you may use. Kindly note these down.

1. “Over centuries we have evolved as a race known for our benevolence, our love, our tolerance. Be it Martin Luther King who dedicated his life to eliminating the fallacies of capitalism, or Adolf Hitler who inspired another classic from Quentin Tarantino, we have always been known for our values. Please hand over your nuclear reserves.”

2. “As the first rays of the sun break over the horizon tomorrow, America will wake up to a new country, a new hope, a new era. I promise you all I will make very good use of the unlimited power that you have vested in me. You guys rock!”

3. “I want to thank each and every single one of you for your love and support. This is the beginning of the trust to the change we choose to put our belief in. God bless America!”

4. “What did the Pakistani tourist ask the Indian guide? ‘Which way to Kashmir?’ Bwahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahhahahahahaha.”

5. Follow The Instructions, Not Your Heart.

And finally, step number five. Sit at home with your lovely wife and your wonderful kids and wait till you get the next set of instructions. Just do as you are told and don’t ask any questions.

And don’t forget to floss tonight.

—-

As always, it’s now time to answer the weekly question from one of our excited readers:

Ramesh McCain from Malabar Hill writes:
I want to be a Nobel laureate. Will this 5 point strategy really work?

Sachin answers:
YES IT HAS and YES IT WILL! What are you waiting for motherfucker? Start your own campaign and rule the world!

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