In a move set to delight millions of Indians and Pakistanis, sports enthusiasts, and people who like to laugh at the myriad quirks of life, the legendary tennis sensation Sania Mirza announced her marriage with the insanely talented cricket prodigy Shoaib Malik. According to experts, this decision is touted to be an important step in strengthening the already robust Indo-Pak relations. The experts are right in their forecast since both Sania and Shoaib are leading representatives of sports in their respective countries, and this matrimony can easily overshadow history and other such unimportant shit. A similar sentiment was expressed by the benevolent NGO Shiv Sena, who bestowed their blessings and best wishes for the couple. In related news, 2000 Shiv Sainiks have vowed to dance at the wedding, provided the song Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai is played by the orchestra.
“The news of me marrying Sania is true. Inshallah, will get married in April”, Shoaib wrote on his Twitter account, which is followed by only one user: Sania Mirza. This is the first time that Shoaib has come into the limelight after previously having been hounded by the media for testing positive in several banned substances tests and testing negative in an IQ test. This is also the first time that Sania Mirza has come into the limelight after previously having been applauded by the media for putting up a brave fight against a visually-impaired-8-months-pregnant player, but still losing in straight sets in the second round of the Lijjat Papad Open in 2005.
So how did these two love birds hook up? According to sources who do not wish to be blamed, Sania had posted her matrimonial on matrimonyforfailures.com. As always, our unethical reporter/office clerk Ganpat “Haxxx0r” Phonde hacked into matrimonyforfailures.com’s database and stole information for our tabloid. Reproduced below is the full, fake transcript of the Mirza Marriage Hunt.
Sania posts her initial proposal:
Must be a successful sportsman, must be more successful than me, should be good looking, smart, rich, NRI preferred.
The system ran a search for all eligible candidates and came back with these names:
Amelie Mauresmo …err
Tiger Woods oh God someone marry me please I’m so sorry
Sania was obviously overwhelmed and edited the search criteria to bring the results a little more within range:
Must be a sportsman, must be slightly more successful than me, as good looking as me, as smart as me, as rich as me, NRI still preferred.
This time the list of names that sprung up were:
The current Bangladeshi Olympic squad
Tiger Woods I promise I’ll never do it again please marry me
Sania was somewhat irritated by the results and had to revise her demands once again:
Must be a CRICKETER from the subcontinent, should not be fuck-all broke, NRI still preferred. And fuck you.
This time she got only four names.
Sania was fucking furious at this list of names. She refreshed the page 10 times hoping the list would change. Alas, she only got this message on her browser:
Expectations out-of-bounds error: You are not Steffi Graf or Anna Kournikova or Martina Hingis or Victoria Posh Spice Beckham. Please come out of your fantasy and try again.
Sania shrugged in agreement, simmered down a bit and decided to Google the list to get some background:
Shoaib Akhtar: This was the first link that Google threw up.
Needless to say, Shoaib is never going to get married. Next please.
Khaled Mahmud: Search returned this highly controversial photo of him watching the stumps fly while questionably holding a bat against his balls:
No perverted freaks for Sania. Next please.
Kumara Dharamasena : Google searched long and hard, but unfortunately,
Left with no other option, Sania decided that Shoaib Malik is the “right guy” and got in touch with him. Malik was surprised when she told him that Google regarded him as her perfect match. But before he took any decision, he wanted to run a background check on Sania too.
Shoaib was overjoyed with excitement and might have even cried a little. He accepted the proposal immediately and urged that they should get married ASAP.
So there you have it people. A happy couple about to tie the knot today. We sincerely hope it works out for them and they have a great life ahead. And before we sign off, here’s our humble marriage gift for them: a picture of Shoaib in “happier” times. Congrats on the wedding, Sania. Peace.