I am putting together a list of some brilliant ads that nearly missed out on bagging a Cannes Lion this year. Nevertheless, they were good enough to earn critical acclaim from the judges and the audience alike.
A soap claiming it can “refresh 2000 parts of your body” makes the top of this list. I’m very surprised because I didn’t even know we have 2000 parts in our body that could be washed with a soap. Amazing, isn’t it?
Unless you are talking about Optimus Prime, the rest of the Autobots and the Decepticons, I don’t think too many regular people have 2000 body parts to clean up. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars: We use Liril 2000, and we smell awesome.
Seriously people, even 206 bones + 650 muscles + 32 teeth + 6 vital organs + 1 (optional) soul don’t add up to 2000.
I find it extremely puzzling when people try to be elite in selling a product as trivial as soap. Do you really believe that the average Indian ‘tard who watches Saas-Bahu serials on Colours and Imagine would even get the schmancy psychedelic “concept soap”? It would make more sense to drop all the unnecessary gimmick and pretentious bullshit and just show a hot semi-naked model rubbing your soap all over her – you know, stuff that regular, normal people can relate to. Trust me, it is easier to sell more soaps this way than trying to convince people that a soap can refresh parts they don’t even have.
You remember how Priety Zinta bathed with your soap under a waterfall once? Yeah, those were the days. Simple, delightful visuals; an easy-to-understand message. Where has all the clarity gone nowadays?
In the real world, it doesn’t matter what you want to sell. As long as a barely clad hot girl is holding it in her hand/ rubbing it on herself/ sleeping on it, people WILL buy your shit. But no, you want ignore the time-tested formula and use your brain instead.
The new ad self-righteously states that 2000 is “a creative expression to denote large number of body parts.” In response, I can think of just 1 creative expression about the ad makers: they had 1999 of their body parts shoved up just 1 body part when they conceptualized this ad.
The story in this exceedingly well-made commercial is really touching, and it reminds us of how we used to be.
Saif is separated from his childhood crush Sarah Jane, who moved away when they were kids. Many years pass, and they are all grown up now, but Saif still can’t get over the memories of the little girl who he recognizes only by the ‘titli’ necklace he had gifted her back then. He looks for her on many different channels and uses many different cable connections, but alas! She is nowhere to be found.
Then one day, our lovelorn hero happens to catch this really pretty girl on TV. Something clicks. Something clocks. Thanks to Airtel’s Digital Clarity picture quality, Saif notices two things:
1. Sarah Jane maturity because she is still wearing a plastic titli necklace from childhood.
2. Sarah Jane’s maturity because her butterflies have blossomed from mere larvae to these full-fledged beauties that have taken flight from her chest.
And with Airtel’s MPEG DVB-S2 technology, one can now estimate cup sizes on TV. Notice the overjoyed look on Saif’s face as he fixes his stare on Sarah Jane’s cleavage and runs over to meet her.
Phir story mein twist. Just as he is about to profess his wish to bang the living titlis out of his childhood flame, Kareena sashays on to the scene. Life takes an unexpected turn as Kareena’s ‘tit’lis force Saif to change his mind again. Sarah Jane, the mature lady she is now, understands the situation, shakes her head and smiles poignantly at her luck while thinking: “Fucking C cups, bitch! Mine were bigger!”
Dil titli, dil titli…
For a change, here comes some archive material in terms of its uniqueness. I always wonder how it made past the censors despite all the objectionable content.
The ad starts with a young school boy looking for his missing teacher. A classmate informs him that she’s away because “unka doggie mar gaya”.
A teacher bunking work over a dead dog isn’t the only thing that is wrong here. Read on.
The boy goes to the teacher’s home and waits near the porch. A lonely old lady is shown sitting there, longingly staring at an empty leash.
This is when it gets frightfully creepy.
The boy puts the leash around his own neck, almost as if he’s been trained to do it on cue, and pretends to be her bitch. He elaborately impersonates all bitch-actions including rolling around in the mud, raising the hind leg and pretending to pee, and playing with the dead dog’s ball (ewww), which actually brings a smile to the old lady’s face. The closing scene shows them sitting real close, holding each other, with an impassive middle-aged woman’s voice telling us, “Agar daag lagne se kuch accha hota hai toh daag acche hain”.
Just what the fuck man! What in the dead Michael Jackson’s name is that even supposed to mean?
Full marks to the person who conceived and directed this psychotic ad. I’m guessing it was either Eli Roth or Quentin Tarantino. But even that shouldn’t stop an anti-abuse organization from investigating this issue, don’t you think?
Ah, my personal favourite. This ad stars an exceptionally gifted guy who rides his bike to his girlfriend’s home every time she sends him a text message.
Guy riding bike to girlfriend’s home to reply to SMS. You can almost sense that there has been a misunderstanding somewhere.
I was not really sure about the misunderstanding, so I did some extensive research on this: I contacted the top 10 telecom companies, conducted a few surveys, talked to the Tech team at a renowned mobile phone manufacturer, tested the most popular cell phone models. After around 2 months of exhaustive investigation, I came to this definitive conclusion:
We have enough evidence to confirm that there is a “Reply” option in all cell phones through which you can reply to the sender instead of actually going to their home to reply. There you go. Misunderstanding fixed.
If the ad intended to make dumb girls go “awww, he’s so fucking sweeett naaa? Like he came all the way to my fucking home to like just say good night teeheehee!” it landed straight on its ass. It came across more like “awww, look at the poor unemployed twat! He has so much time to waste and he can’t even operate a bloody cell phone!”
Birla Sun Life Insurance
A dark, grim ad featuring Virender Sehwag and Yuvraj Singh. The weird camera angles, the dull hues, the heavy pseudo-philosophical dialogues and the “sort of ominous” direction make this look like that i-pill ad with Tanaz Currim and her husband.
Notice how Yuvraj and Sehwag say, “Jab balla chalna bandh ho jaye tab…” and then suddenly go quiet, look down and shake their heads.
Wait, has somebody confused life insurance with erectile dysfunction again?
This is the ad that came so close to winning, but unfortunately lost out – just like its protagonist always does in real life.
It’s the Bournvita “l’il champs” ad with Sania Mirza dressed as a school girl. A school girl with pig tails. Yes.
I won’t say much about it except that a grown woman dressed as a school girl rings a very loud bell somehow.