Monthly Archives: October 2010

5 Authors You Must Read Before You Die.

#5 Salman Rushdie

Salman Rushdie rose to great fame as well as infamy with his controversial book The Satanic Verses. The subject matter was always going to be risky but more importantly, the long, winding, intricately woven narrative smothered with half the pages of Merriam-Webster was so verbose and confusing that the Muslim community from the Middle East hit out with violent protests. They were so frustrated with his incredibly obscure prose that they issued a fatwa against him – demanding that he either write in simple English or be executed, whichever is easier and less painful. Ayatollah Rasgullah Khomeinini, the fatwa issuing dude said, “Ya thanks God I stop reading at page 2. I don’t understand one word of hi-fi English, so it must be offense my religion and God and Rushdie must die.” A lot of literary critics also agreed with Khomeinini, as they tore their hair out while struggling to figure out the jumbled plot of this brain-fracturing salad of a novel.

It’s been over 20 years since the book was published, but the “offensive parts” have still not been found/understood. Can’t blame them: Rushdie’s patience-raping writing style takes 80 pages to describe a person walking from point A to point B, which also includes the description of the person’s clothes, a brief history of the clothing, the political situation, the atmospheric composition, share market prices at the time, what he had for lunch that day and other random facts thrown in.

Read this excerpt from the first page of his novel, and understand why the Ayatollah was so angry:

Gibreel, the tuneless soloist, had been cavorting in moonlight as he sang his impromptu gazal, swimming in air, butterfly-stroke,breast-stroke, bunching himself into a ball, spreadeagling himself against the almost-infinity of the almost-dawn, adopting heraldic postures, rampant, couchant, pitting levity against gravity. Now he rolled happily towards the sardonic voice. “Ohé, Salad baba, it’s you, too good. What-ho, old Chumch.” At which the other, a fastidious shadow falling headfirst in a grey suit with all the jacket buttons done up, arms by his sides, taking for granted the improbability of the bowler hat on his head, pulled a nickname-hater’s face. “Hey, Spoono,” Gibreel yelled, eliciting a second inverted wince, “Proper London, bhai! Here we come! Those bastards down there won’t know what hit them. Meteor or lightning or vengeance of God. Out of thin air, baby. Dharrraaammm! Wham, na? What an entrance, yaar. I swear: splat.”

#4 Rhonda Byrne

In India, when a housewife feels bored, she turns on the TV and contributes to the revenue of channels such as Star, NDTV Imagine and Sony, or partakes in astrology, numerology, religion and other forms of such horse manure.

But in other parts of the world, things are not so pleasant. There, the bored housewife does the unthinkable – she write books! 21st century is marred with horrifying instances of women famously venturing out of the kitchen, penning down nonsense and actually making money out of it – the darkest times in the history of the human race. As if Stephenie “Gay Vampires” Meyer and Elizabeth “Eat, Pray, Waste The Alimony Money On A Bullshitting Trip” Gilbert weren’t enough, along came this one other pricelessly deluded bitch named Rhonda Byrne – the author of The Secret and The Power. According to the deranged screwball, everything in the universe can be accomplished with the “power of attracting success through belief”. Needless to say, this kind of stupid wishful thinking has become immensely popular among unemployed dumbfucks who sit at home and positively visualize money, cars and women flying and sticking to their magnetic bodies.

Rhonda’s 3 step “secret” to the universe is: Ask – Believe – Receive. Yep, that’s all you have to do. So fucking simple, isn’t it? You just ask for stuff, believe you will get it, and magical fairies will deliver it to you within 3 business days from the day of believing.

Amazingly, many of her readers have testified to the true power of her books. So far, all of them have been sedated, straitjacketed and are being treated at leading mental health institutions. Try keeping that a secret, you hallucinating voodoo crackpot bitch.

#3 Paulo Coelho

Paulo is yet another noble soul who believes that the universe revolves around the Earth. Take for instance his bestselling book, The Alchemist. The idea for this book came one day when he lost his pen. Instead of looking for it around him, he set out on a world tour to find it. On his way, he rubbed stones, consulted kings, travelled with tribes, smoked weed, followed the moon, got raped by 8 foot tall Zulu tribesmen, participated in wars, lost all his money, set up a tea stall outside the Egyptian Pyramids. 5 years later, his VISA expired and the Immigration Authority of Egypt deported him back to Brazil. On reaching home, he found to his utter astonishment that the pen was lying on the chair that he’d been sitting on all the while! He dropped his luggage and had an orgasmic epiphany about the universe conspiring and giving him his pen back. And to think that the key to Cosmic wisdom was under his own ass all this time is certainly the work of a Mighty Divine Power, whose job description comprises solely of misplacing and replacing the insignificant possessions of 6 billion insignificant creatures on an insignificant planet. “Cosmic chutiyagiri”.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Paulo Coelho married Rhonda Byrne. Paulo will sit around and wait for the universe to do stuff for him, while Rhonda sits around and positively imagines doing stuff. Together, this couple will accomplish fuckall. But that’s how most marriages work, don’t they?

#2 Suresh Kalmadi

Kalmadi is the author of radical economics and business strategy book, Fraudonomics: A Rogue Fraudster Further Hides the Hidden Side of Everything.

Whether you are an entrepreneur or want to grow your existing business, whether an honest person bored of honesty or a government employee looking to cover years and years of scandals, this book is just for you. It essentially brings noble virtues such as corruption and tax evasion back in fashion and has the power to inspire the crook in the most divine of individuals.

For more than 10 years, the author, a professional jholler and a pioneering asshole has sucked the well-endowed breasts of the Indian treasury dry to achieve business success. He regularly advises politicians, criminals and other respectable citizens of the society on how to manage their business, how to erase the evidence and then boldly lie to the media. These time-tested strategies provide an in-depth analysis of everything right with the world today, and build successful business models to get rich instantly for anyone enterprising enough to make a “few modifications” here and there.

The book comes with a foreword by another remarkable individual, Ramalinga Raju, who set a great example in fudging records in his best selling book “About the profits that we projected last quarter… well, they weren’t really there LOL TTYL GTG.”

#1 Chetan Bugger

All through recorded history, Indian literature has served as a powerful and an enlightening legacy that stands testimony to the incredible intellectual prowess and foresight of the great men who wrote them. From the four Vedas and the Upanishads, the Herculean compendiums of literary and philosophical greatness of India, to the inherited ancient wisdom in the works of Pran’s Chacha Chaudhary – a man whose brain works “faster than an Intel Celeron Chipset running Windows 95 on 2 MB RAM during a power cut” – the tradition still lives on. India has seen glorious works of fiction in famous epics such as Ramayana and Mahabharata, and the equally endless and complex plots adapted in the saga “Engineering Mechanics: Statics and Dynamics” by A. K. Tayal. India has managed to startle even the forward Western societies with the explicit details and illustrations of Vatsyayana’s classic erotica Kama Sutra, and the practical application of Vatsyayana’s old school hammering techniques in Shobaaa De’s autobiographical novels. In the recent times, Salman Rushdie, Arundhati Roy and Amitav Ghosh have taken writing to new heights.

Now that Rushdie, Roy and Ghosh are taking a nap, it is time for another hero to rise. He has already gained international fame and acclaim with his seminal works, winning the Nobel, the Man Booker Prize and Bollywood’s Man Hooker Prize in just his first year of publishing. New York Times described his writing style as “…unmistakable 4th grade school humour…scantily clad outlines for Bollywood movies whored out to dipshit producers”. Literary critics have identified his audience as “the one that hails Himesh Reshammiya as the Beethoven of India and thinks that Wren and Martin are New Zealand cricketers.” Chetan Buttock was, quite bizarrely, even named on the Time’s 100 Most Influential People List. Mercifully, the list shows its true worth by including other such wonderful “influential” personalities as Lady Gaga, Robert Pattinson, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Aishwarya Rai-Braindead, Taylor Swift and the beloved Didier Drogba. We can only wonder where the world would have been, if it wasn’t for the blessed influence of these people. Read the whole list if you don’t believe me.

In 2011, Chetan Blubber will be back in his trademark style – with a shockingly refreshing love story about a guy educated at IIT and IIM, a concept so new and rare that people are largely clueless about its implications. Also this time, Chetan will be wise enough to include copyright warnings on each page to ward off evil people from “copying” his breathtakingly original tales of nerd love.

[If you had expected Chetan, considering his distinguished academic background, to write something intellectual, educating, and with a foresight, stop kidding yourself. His books breathe the spirit of castrating any semblance of intelligence from the skulls of gullible teenagers and forever turn them into retard-romance-seeking faggots; whoring pathetically bad puppy love stories under the IIT-IIM tags. For crying shame, no one has issued a fatwa against this assclown till now.]

For the fans, here’s an exclusive preview of his next book, “1 Has 2 Do 3verything 4 L0ve”:

Once upon a time there was a boy named Babaloo Bhatia. Babaloo had done M. Tech from IIT B and was a topper in his class. In his spare time, he drank vodka and studied quantum physics. He was now pursuing MBA at IIM A.

One day in the canteen he saw a hot girl named Bipasha Sherawat, who strongly resembled Megan Fox.

Babaloo approached her and came straight to the point, “Hai, myself Babaloo but you can call me Bubz. I am cool dude. I am also topper in IIT and IIM. Please see these attested copies of my marksheets as proof. Will you do an friendship with me?”

Bipasha smiled and replied, “Oh yes of course Bubz! You are so nerdily cute in a nerdy way that I might fall in love with you even though we are only on the first page!!11”

Babaloo, the smooth talking bastard that he is, pushed further: “Ok now let me impress you with my awesome funny personality. So what did the proton say to the electron?”

Bipasha replied, “Hahahaha I dont know what?”

Babaloo coolly answered, “Dude, stop being so negative! Hehehe!”

Then she blushed and said, “Hahahaha oh my god you are so cute and funny that I’m deliriously horny now and come on let’s have awesome sex for the next 4 pages!!!111oneone”

COPYRIGHTS 2011 ALL RIGHTS IS RESERVED WITH ME CHETAN BUTTHURT. DONT STEAL MY IDEAS FOR UR MOVIES. THAT MEANS YOU, MR. HIRANI.
AND NOW TURN TO PAGE 2 FOR SEX BETWEEN ME… ERR I MEAN BETWEEN BABALOO AND BIPASHA.

Chetan Butthurt's Next Masterpiece

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A Brief History Of The Internets.

Welcome. This is the first in the series of my 1 part article on modern technology. In this informative article, I’ll be using my extensive experience in IT to describe the origin and growth of a revolution called the internets. This article intends to examine the historical development of the internets, provide a basic understanding of its working and appreciate its contribution to the contemporary society.

Historical account

The earliest reports of the internet can be traced back to Mesozoic Era, about 300 million years ago. It was an era most famously known as the one when Microsoft’s Bill Gates broke new grounds by launching the definitive version of Windows: Windows ME (Mesozoic Edition). It was an instant sensation among dinosaurs, ichthyosaurs, angiosperms and primates from all parts of the Pangea. Microsoft were so overwhelmed with the positive response that they didn’t change any of the features for 300 million years, until recently, when they added a few fancy graphics to it and called it Windows 7 Ultimate Edition. This is, naturally, noted as a glaring anomaly in Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, which is based largely on the idea of “survival of the fittest”. How the miserably unfit Windows managed to survive this long without evolving is still a mystery that continues to bewilder modern day biologists.

Archaeologists have also been able to testify to the technological progress in pre-historic times through fossils excavated from various parts of the Earth. These key pieces of evidence are extremely helpful in reconstructing the very first structure of the internet.

1. The early prototypes of routers and broadband connection equipment used for trans-continent communication after the start of Continental Drift. These are still in use at MTNL.

2. The beginning of the Microsoft-Apple product market rivalry.

3. A modern day MTNL employee setting up a broadband connection using modern day tools.

Architecture and working

The internet is based on the client-server model, as shown in the figure below.

How it works:

Client side

-When you type a website address, say http://www.facebook.com, in your browser and hit enter, a request goes to the server.
-If the request is polite enough, the server processes it and displays the Facebook page.
-You then login to Facebook and post stupid status updates about your day.
-Your friends then send requests to the server to remove you from their list.

Server side

Servers are powered by 4 key elements.

1. Large, powerful coal engines located at an undisclosed location have to be kept running day and night to keep the internet online.
2. Cheap labour from poor countries like Bangladesh, Nepal and Myanmar is employed at $0.08 an hour to manually operate little hamster wheels which supply power to all servers in the Southern hemisphere. Although the wages are meager, the exploitation illegal and the working conditions miserable, it is still better than what Reebok and Nike pay them for making shoes.
3. Unknown to most religious junkies, their hopes and prayers help in protecting the internet against the evil eyes of atheists.
4. The Pakistani cricket team also helps in covering the cost of server operation and maintenance. How? For every match that Pakistan fix and throw away, bookies donate 10% of their profits to the True Chartity Party/Internet Party (TCP/IP) as a goodwill gesture. If it wasn’t for the Pakistan cricket team, the cost of an internet connection would be so high that none of us would have been able to afford it. (I request you to take this moment to include PCB in your thoughts and prayers.)

Backup server of the entire internet is hosted on the brain of India’s most richly talented actor-par-excellence-par-awesomeness, Upen Patel. For those unaware, Upen Patel was born with a rare congenital birth defect that left him with severely contorted facial expressions, an unmistakably hilarious speech impediment and a photographic memory. The comical facial expressions and gay voice came handy in “bumbling gay bimbo villain” roles in classic movies such as Ajab Prem Ki Gajab Kahani; the photographic memory in systematically memorizing every web page on the internet over a period of 2 decades. Till date, Upen has memorized billions and billions of web pages and databases and is the only backup should the internet be bombed by terror groups. As such, he is understandably the most sought after actor/ backup utility in our galaxy.

Etiquette

1. Usage of emoticons is a vital component of internet communication. In most scenarios, the usage of emoticons determines the intent and the tone of your message.

For example, “You stupid half-brained douchebag” is offensive due to lack of emoticons that are required to soften the tone of the message.

Contrast the above with “lol u stupid half-brained douchebag!!! 😀 :P”
Clearly, the sensible choice of using emoticons has prevented the sentence from hurting someone’s feelings.

2. Hypocrisy is not only permissible, but actively encouraged on the internet. It is not uncommon to see attention hungry girls uploading close to 500 albums with 1000 photos in each album, detailing every stage of their life – right from conception to embryonic development to their first school drama rehearsal to how they once tasted an alcoholic beverage at some party. These very girls will then complain about “sites not respecting their privacy” and expect sympathy from equally intelligent roadside Romeos who are only more than happy to oblige. And to top it off, this exchange of mutual ass-suckery will most likely be in horrendous English.

3. A rule of thumb: everything is fake and gay on the internet. Any claims/photos/videos of accidents/miracles/conspiracies/accomplishments are fake and gay products of Photoshop and Adobe After Effects. For instance, this:

Applications and usage

Broadly, the only 2 real uses of the internet can be narrowed down to:

1. Spamming.
2. Pornographic studies.

If you are not using it for watching porn, it is assumed that you are busy spamming at the moment. When the spamming stops, it is implied that you’re occupied with porn. However, certain people have demonstrated that both these activities can be performed simultaneously: by spamming porn or watching porn about spam.

Security concerns

The internet has been instrumental in making the world a smaller, simpler place where distances, languages or cultures are not prohibitive factors anymore. It is astounding when you even begin to comprehend the amount of data travelling forth over the internet, its rate of growth, its global reach, its vision for the future; to realize that, in essence, the perpetual repository of the entire human civilization is available at any point in time to any person at any location.

However, as with any system in the world, the growth and spread of internet has not been without an opportunity for exploitation and malice. Moreover, it is much simpler to blame technology which only obeys the instructions dished out by discerning humans.

For eg, Twitter has been held responsible for spreading internet AIDS by letting cheap Bollywood celebrities with 140 or less functional brain cells post their shitty updates in 140 characters or less. Twitter takes care to verify the celebrities’ accounts but does nothing to verify their intelligence – a serious security flaw, as viewed by many.

One of the biggest concerns for most parents is that their child might get access to pornographic material online. Thankfully, there are a lot of sites and softwares today that advise which porn sites are paid sites and which ones are free, so that children are not duped into paying for porn which can be obtained for free – relieving the parental concern over credit card misuse. Many thoughtful individuals have also contributed towards this cause by publishing lists of “paid members” usernames and passwords free of cost.

It has also been suggested that internet addiction is driving people away from real life social interaction, that people are not spending enough time with their families and that people are okay with the idea of online relationships as opposed to one in real life. I’m not sure of these claims, but I will do some research and post my detailed analysis on Facebook, Orkut, Twitter, MySpace, WordPress, Blogspot, Posterous, Picasa, Flickr, Tumblr, Typepad, LiveJournal, Hi5, Savita Bhabhi and a few other sites soon.

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That wraps up what little I know about the internet. Hope you found it informative and illuminating.

Oh and before you leave, don’t forget to collect your free gift for being the 999999th visitor. 😀 😛