#5 Salman Rushdie
Salman Rushdie rose to great fame as well as infamy with his controversial book The Satanic Verses. The subject matter was always going to be risky but more importantly, the long, winding, intricately woven narrative smothered with half the pages of Merriam-Webster was so verbose and confusing that the Muslim community from the Middle East hit out with violent protests. They were so frustrated with his incredibly obscure prose that they issued a fatwa against him – demanding that he either write in simple English or be executed, whichever is easier and less painful. Ayatollah Rasgullah Khomeinini, the fatwa issuing dude said, “Ya thanks God I stop reading at page 2. I don’t understand one word of hi-fi English, so it must be offense my religion and God and Rushdie must die.” A lot of literary critics also agreed with Khomeinini, as they tore their hair out while struggling to figure out the jumbled plot of this brain-fracturing salad of a novel.
It’s been over 20 years since the book was published, but the “offensive parts” have still not been found/understood. Can’t blame them: Rushdie’s patience-raping writing style takes 80 pages to describe a person walking from point A to point B, which also includes the description of the person’s clothes, a brief history of the clothing, the political situation, the atmospheric composition, share market prices at the time, what he had for lunch that day and other random facts thrown in.
Read this excerpt from the first page of his novel, and understand why the Ayatollah was so angry:
Gibreel, the tuneless soloist, had been cavorting in moonlight as he sang his impromptu gazal, swimming in air, butterfly-stroke,breast-stroke, bunching himself into a ball, spreadeagling himself against the almost-infinity of the almost-dawn, adopting heraldic postures, rampant, couchant, pitting levity against gravity. Now he rolled happily towards the sardonic voice. “Ohé, Salad baba, it’s you, too good. What-ho, old Chumch.” At which the other, a fastidious shadow falling headfirst in a grey suit with all the jacket buttons done up, arms by his sides, taking for granted the improbability of the bowler hat on his head, pulled a nickname-hater’s face. “Hey, Spoono,” Gibreel yelled, eliciting a second inverted wince, “Proper London, bhai! Here we come! Those bastards down there won’t know what hit them. Meteor or lightning or vengeance of God. Out of thin air, baby. Dharrraaammm! Wham, na? What an entrance, yaar. I swear: splat.”
#4 Rhonda Byrne
In India, when a housewife feels bored, she turns on the TV and contributes to the revenue of channels such as Star, NDTV Imagine and Sony, or partakes in astrology, numerology, religion and other forms of such horse manure.
But in other parts of the world, things are not so pleasant. There, the bored housewife does the unthinkable – she write books! 21st century is marred with horrifying instances of women famously venturing out of the kitchen, penning down nonsense and actually making money out of it – the darkest times in the history of the human race. As if Stephenie “Gay Vampires” Meyer and Elizabeth “Eat, Pray, Waste The Alimony Money On A Bullshitting Trip” Gilbert weren’t enough, along came this one other pricelessly deluded bitch named Rhonda Byrne – the author of The Secret and The Power. According to the deranged screwball, everything in the universe can be accomplished with the “power of attracting success through belief”. Needless to say, this kind of stupid wishful thinking has become immensely popular among unemployed dumbfucks who sit at home and positively visualize money, cars and women flying and sticking to their magnetic bodies.
Rhonda’s 3 step “secret” to the universe is: Ask – Believe – Receive. Yep, that’s all you have to do. So fucking simple, isn’t it? You just ask for stuff, believe you will get it, and magical fairies will deliver it to you within 3 business days from the day of believing.
Amazingly, many of her readers have testified to the true power of her books. So far, all of them have been sedated, straitjacketed and are being treated at leading mental health institutions. Try keeping that a secret, you hallucinating voodoo crackpot bitch.
#3 Paulo Coelho
Paulo is yet another noble soul who believes that the universe revolves around the Earth. Take for instance his bestselling book, The Alchemist. The idea for this book came one day when he lost his pen. Instead of looking for it around him, he set out on a world tour to find it. On his way, he rubbed stones, consulted kings, travelled with tribes, smoked weed, followed the moon, got raped by 8 foot tall Zulu tribesmen, participated in wars, lost all his money, set up a tea stall outside the Egyptian Pyramids. 5 years later, his VISA expired and the Immigration Authority of Egypt deported him back to Brazil. On reaching home, he found to his utter astonishment that the pen was lying on the chair that he’d been sitting on all the while! He dropped his luggage and had an orgasmic epiphany about the universe conspiring and giving him his pen back. And to think that the key to Cosmic wisdom was under his own ass all this time is certainly the work of a Mighty Divine Power, whose job description comprises solely of misplacing and replacing the insignificant possessions of 6 billion insignificant creatures on an insignificant planet. “Cosmic chutiyagiri”.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Paulo Coelho married Rhonda Byrne. Paulo will sit around and wait for the universe to do stuff for him, while Rhonda sits around and positively imagines doing stuff. Together, this couple will accomplish fuckall. But that’s how most marriages work, don’t they?
#2 Suresh Kalmadi
Kalmadi is the author of radical economics and business strategy book, Fraudonomics: A Rogue Fraudster Further Hides the Hidden Side of Everything.
Whether you are an entrepreneur or want to grow your existing business, whether an honest person bored of honesty or a government employee looking to cover years and years of scandals, this book is just for you. It essentially brings noble virtues such as corruption and tax evasion back in fashion and has the power to inspire the crook in the most divine of individuals.
For more than 10 years, the author, a professional jholler and a pioneering asshole has sucked the well-endowed breasts of the Indian treasury dry to achieve business success. He regularly advises politicians, criminals and other respectable citizens of the society on how to manage their business, how to erase the evidence and then boldly lie to the media. These time-tested strategies provide an in-depth analysis of everything right with the world today, and build successful business models to get rich instantly for anyone enterprising enough to make a “few modifications” here and there.
The book comes with a foreword by another remarkable individual, Ramalinga Raju, who set a great example in fudging records in his best selling book “About the profits that we projected last quarter… well, they weren’t really there LOL TTYL GTG.”
#1 Chetan Bugger
All through recorded history, Indian literature has served as a powerful and an enlightening legacy that stands testimony to the incredible intellectual prowess and foresight of the great men who wrote them. From the four Vedas and the Upanishads, the Herculean compendiums of literary and philosophical greatness of India, to the inherited ancient wisdom in the works of Pran’s Chacha Chaudhary – a man whose brain works “faster than an Intel Celeron Chipset running Windows 95 on 2 MB RAM during a power cut” – the tradition still lives on. India has seen glorious works of fiction in famous epics such as Ramayana and Mahabharata, and the equally endless and complex plots adapted in the saga “Engineering Mechanics: Statics and Dynamics” by A. K. Tayal. India has managed to startle even the forward Western societies with the explicit details and illustrations of Vatsyayana’s classic erotica Kama Sutra, and the practical application of Vatsyayana’s old school hammering techniques in Shobaaa De’s autobiographical novels. In the recent times, Salman Rushdie, Arundhati Roy and Amitav Ghosh have taken writing to new heights.
Now that Rushdie, Roy and Ghosh are taking a nap, it is time for another hero to rise. He has already gained international fame and acclaim with his seminal works, winning the Nobel, the Man Booker Prize and Bollywood’s Man Hooker Prize in just his first year of publishing. New York Times described his writing style as “…unmistakable 4th grade school humour…scantily clad outlines for Bollywood movies whored out to dipshit producers”. Literary critics have identified his audience as “the one that hails Himesh Reshammiya as the Beethoven of India and thinks that Wren and Martin are New Zealand cricketers.” Chetan Buttock was, quite bizarrely, even named on the Time’s 100 Most Influential People List. Mercifully, the list shows its true worth by including other such wonderful “influential” personalities as Lady Gaga, Robert Pattinson, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Aishwarya Rai-Braindead, Taylor Swift and the beloved Didier Drogba. We can only wonder where the world would have been, if it wasn’t for the blessed influence of these people. Read the whole list if you don’t believe me.
In 2011, Chetan Blubber will be back in his trademark style – with a shockingly refreshing love story about a guy educated at IIT and IIM, a concept so new and rare that people are largely clueless about its implications. Also this time, Chetan will be wise enough to include copyright warnings on each page to ward off evil people from “copying” his breathtakingly original tales of nerd love.
[If you had expected Chetan, considering his distinguished academic background, to write something intellectual, educating, and with a foresight, stop kidding yourself. His books breathe the spirit of castrating any semblance of intelligence from the skulls of gullible teenagers and forever turn them into retard-romance-seeking faggots; whoring pathetically bad puppy love stories under the IIT-IIM tags. For crying shame, no one has issued a fatwa against this assclown till now.]
For the fans, here’s an exclusive preview of his next book, “1 Has 2 Do 3verything 4 L0ve”:
Once upon a time there was a boy named Babaloo Bhatia. Babaloo had done M. Tech from IIT B and was a topper in his class. In his spare time, he drank vodka and studied quantum physics. He was now pursuing MBA at IIM A.
One day in the canteen he saw a hot girl named Bipasha Sherawat, who strongly resembled Megan Fox.
Babaloo approached her and came straight to the point, “Hai, myself Babaloo but you can call me Bubz. I am cool dude. I am also topper in IIT and IIM. Please see these attested copies of my marksheets as proof. Will you do an friendship with me?”
Bipasha smiled and replied, “Oh yes of course Bubz! You are so nerdily cute in a nerdy way that I might fall in love with you even though we are only on the first page!!11”
Babaloo, the smooth talking bastard that he is, pushed further: “Ok now let me impress you with my awesome funny personality. So what did the proton say to the electron?”
Bipasha replied, “Hahahaha I dont know what?”
Babaloo coolly answered, “Dude, stop being so negative! Hehehe!”
Then she blushed and said, “Hahahaha oh my god you are so cute and funny that I’m deliriously horny now and come on let’s have awesome sex for the next 4 pages!!!111oneone”
COPYRIGHTS 2011 ALL RIGHTS IS RESERVED WITH ME CHETAN BUTTHURT. DONT STEAL MY IDEAS FOR UR MOVIES. THAT MEANS YOU, MR. HIRANI.
AND NOW TURN TO PAGE 2 FOR SEX BETWEEN ME… ERR I MEAN BETWEEN BABALOO AND BIPASHA.