Category Archives: Lol humours

Ask Doctor Ill-Advised.

Have you ever wondered about people (with names like Agony Aunt, Girl Shrink, Dr. Love and Bejan Daruwalla) who write relationship advice columns in newspapers? I always thought it was a miserable excuse for a career until I saw the fun part of it: stupid people get themselves into stupid situations, then write about it to major newspapers hoping for a solution in 200 words or less, thereby making their embarrassment public to millions of amused readers everyday. Come to think of it, it’s funnier than any comic strip that the newspaper might run anyway.

This is my attempt at recreating some of the typical letters and typical replies.

Dear Dr. Ill-Advised,
My boyfriend is hopelessly perverted. His complete moral corruption is just plain scary. Just the other evening, we were out on a romantic stroll on the beach when… when the bastard tried to hold my hand! Thankfully, I was well equipped to deal with this situation. I twisted his arm, dug my heel into his solar plexus, and then delivered a powerful roundhouse kick to his temple. When he collapsed to the ground, I took out my stun-gun and immobilized him. I might have overreacted, but the freaking pervert had it coming didn’t he? I was later arrested for attempted murder, but I feel the police force is full of biased male chauvinist pigs that turn a blind eye towards such potential crimes against women. The legal proceedings begin next week. What do you suggest I should do? – Chun Li.
(P.S.: Sorry, forgot to mention that I shot him twice with a sawed off shotgun that I carry in my purse too.)

Dear Chun Li,
All men are bastards, yes, and so what you did was totally called for. I’m no legal expert, but I think his being alive doesn’t help your case. You go ahead and slash his jugular vein right away because it’s the only way out. Look at Kasab: he’s killed people but he’s still chilling, isn’t he? I suggest you should hire his lawyer and do the same. All the best!

—–

Hiiieee Dr. Ill-Advised,
So this is about my close friend whom I’ve known for 20 years. Of late I’ve been getting this feeling that he is interested in me. Like he keeps dropping these subtle hints, you know? I mean like he turned down a seat in IIT-B and instead took up commerce in Ruthumbara college just to be in the same class as me. Then like he turned down an offer to work for Google just to join Tribhovandas Bhimji Zaveri Jewelers where I work as a receptionist. Then like he comes over to my home every weekend with flowers and stuffs and gifts, you know? He’s also turned down marriage offers from many beautiful, intelligent girls from respected families for years now. I mean it’s crazy! I don’t know what to make of it! Then on my birthday this year, like he got down on one knee and was about to say something when my phone rang and I HAD to take it because it was my bestest girlfriend Dipshita calling me literally like after AGES, yeah? And like by the time I hung up, he had left. Well that was a bit rude of him, but I’ve forgiven him because he had left a diamond ring on the couch. So anyways, do you think he likes me or something? – Needs A Clue.

Dear Needs A Slap,
This could easily be the most predictable Sherlock Holmes mystery ever written.

——

Dear Dr. Ill-Advised,
My boyfriend tends to lie about things, or exaggerate them. This year, he forgot our anniversary, my birthday, and my dog’s funeral citing the following reasons:
1. “I was abducted by a mysterious inter-planetary intelligence that held me in a spacecraft and interrogated me through the weekend and dropped me back to Earth on Monday morning.”
2. ”The weather department has predicted a violent cyclone to sweep across the city and has instructed everyone to take shelter in the nearest sports bar.”
3. “I was suffering from a strange high grade fever that made me go out and watch a comedy movie with my friends completely against my will. And then it made me go to the nearest sports bar against my will too.”

Do you think he’s just making it up? – Truth Seeker.

Dear Truth Sucker,
It’s just horrible of you to doubt your innocent boyfriend like that. How could you? The poor lad is going through a disastrous phase and the least you could do is be a bit supportive, you get me? Here are the facts, in your face:
1. Alien abduction is a well-known, widely acknowledged fact that has been conclusively documented by credible sources such as Aaj Tak, India TV and Scientology. Haven’t you watched the X-Files series? Do you think Scully and Mulder, FBI agents no less, are lying about the aliens and the obvious government conspiracies? The truth is out there. (whistles the X-Files tune)
2. And again, are you out to question the Meteorological Department? Your boyfriend’s life was at risk there. He was only following the Met department’s storm-safety protocol by hiding in a sports bar. You should be proud of him for being such a law abiding citizen.
3. Yes, a certain strain of the fever virus is indeed known to make people go out and enjoy themselves against their will and remember nothing about it later. It’s basic patho-biology, for Alexander Fleming’s sake. I bet you don’t know who Mr. Fleming is. He was the one who discovered the famous antibiotic penis in 1928.

—–

Dear Dr. Ill-Advised,
My girlfriend is an extremely loving and caring lady. She pays close attention to all of my needs. For instance, she picks out my clothes, decides what I should wear and when, instructs me how to behave in front of her friends, suggests what topics I should and should not speak on in public. She always makes sure that nobody harms me. She has helped me in choosing a career, advised me to stay away from my dad as he is a “negative energy in my life force” and also prepared a schedule for bi-weekly telephonic conversations with my mother. We never fight. Whenever I make a mistake, she gently points it out by shaking her head and patting me on the head and saying, “No! Bad boy! Bad boy! That’s not what a good boy does!” That makes me realize my mistake and I don’t do it again.
Despite such a perfect relationship, some of my friends have been hinting that something might be very wrong here. They used mean terms like “dominatrix”, “dictatorbitch”,“Taliban”, “Robert Mugabe” and “Kim Jong-Il” to describe my girlfriend and extremely negative terms like “pussy”, “fucking coward”, “pushover”, “monkey on a leash” etc to describe me. Thankfully, my girlfriend had already warned me that they were a bunch of jealous, cynical losers who couldn’t accept my happiness. How do I make my friends understand this? – Lucky Dude

Hello Fucked Up Dude,
Before proceeding with the attempt to resolve your problem, I would request you to take this simple test:

1. Move both hands behind your back.
2. Touch the center of your back with your fingers.
3. Move your fingers slowly up and down your back and check for a bony structure.

All creatures belonging to Kingdom: Animalia, Phylum: Chordata, Sub-phylum : Vertebrata possess a vertebral column or a “backbone” that distinguishes them from the invertebrates. Invertebrates are those creatures that lack a spine and are hence forced to crawl on the ground, often getting trampled upon in the process.

If your test results indicate the presence of such a vertebral column, then you must abide by the rules of evolution and learn to stand up for yourself instead of mimicking a fucking invertebrate earthworm that wriggles throughout its life before getting crushed under someone’s shoe. If not, then you are doing a great job of being a spineless earthworm and you must continue doing so.

Tired of being an invertebrate? Then eat calcium-rich foods and grow a backbone.

Hello Dr. Love,
I have been married for 12 years now. Back then, we were madly in love, fiercely inseparable and had committed lifelong loyalty towards each other. 12 years later, everything has fallen apart. We no longer love the same things that we did, have lost the mutual respect and trust that was once the foundation of our relationship, we hardly speak anymore. I can’t remember the last time we laughed together or enjoyed the other’s company. I knew my marriage was going downhill when we were having frequent fights, but now we don’t even bother with that. Apathy and silence have replaced anger and arguments. We live under the same roof as strangers, barely acknowledging the other’s presence. When I look at my wedding photos, I cannot believe that I was once that person: laughing, loving, happily married. I don’t know where things went wrong. I feel like I’m sinking deep within the waters and desperately gasping for breath every minute. Please help. – Depressed.

Dear Depressed,
Oh God, that is the saddest thing I’ve read all morning. Well, the second saddest. The first being my stock portfolio. Man am I losing money like a bitch. Maybe I should sue the BSE for Sensex-ual harassment. Bwahahahahaha.

Erm, sorry, this column isn’t about my clever wordplay, but about your problem. So we’ll get right down to it.
As I see it, there are 3 things that have gone missing in your relationship:
-Communication
-Passion
-Initiative/attempt to change

Let me illustrate to you how these 3 points hold a relationship together with a real life example: Barcelona FC.

Just look at the magic quartet of Messi-Xavi-Busquets-Iniesta. Communication isn’t necessarily all about talking – what sets them apart is the surreal telepathic awareness of one another. Xavi doesn’t need to shout “hey Messi dude I’m going to put the ball over there, so you run and get it ok?” before passing. He just spots a gap and knows that Messi would make a run, and weigh his pass accordingly. Likewise, Messi times his run to perfection, beating the offside trap. Busquets, on the hand, stays back and holds fort, and occasionally runs and dives inside the penalty box with the grace of an Olympic swimmer. This kind of unspoken bonding takes months of patient understanding and acceptance of each other’s game.

Apart from this, Barca place a lot of trust in their youth system, much like Manchester United, delivering fresh crops of talented youngsters who understand the club philosophy and carry forward the same passion and love for the game as their predecessors.

And of course, most of all, it’s the initiative taken up by individual players that makes them world class, formidable, nearly invincible. No matter what the situation, it’s the desire that drives them to come back from seemingly impossible positions to trounce the opposition. Now that is something that Russian or Middle Eastern oil giants can’t buy or infuse in their multi-million plastic squads.

Unfortunately, the time to revive your relationship is long gone. It looks a bit like this now:

—–
Hey Asshole,
What the fuck do you know about relationships to play the armchair love-expert? Have you any clue what it’s like to love somebody? Do you know what being in love means? Do you even have a girlfriend? – Gotcha There.

Dear Gotcha Where?,
Ah, the age old “do-you-know-what-it’s-like” argument. Great work.

Did Eratosthenes go into space to accurately prove that the Earth is round?
Did Copernicus leave the solar system to predict that the sun is at the center of the solar system?
Has anyone actually been to the core of the sun or seen atoms to understand nuclear fusion?
Do you need to be Jewish to abhor the despicable acts of the Nazis?
Does anyone ever need to sit through a Shahrukh Khan/Salman Khan movie to know that it’s a pile of shit?

Sometimes, observation and intuition are enough to reach approximately accurate conclusions.

If you feel that you are a part of some mystifying, magical, exclusivist movement then it’s time to come out of your delusion. Sorry for bursting your cozy bubble. Good luck with your love life though!

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A Brief History Of The Internets.

Welcome. This is the first in the series of my 1 part article on modern technology. In this informative article, I’ll be using my extensive experience in IT to describe the origin and growth of a revolution called the internets. This article intends to examine the historical development of the internets, provide a basic understanding of its working and appreciate its contribution to the contemporary society.

Historical account

The earliest reports of the internet can be traced back to Mesozoic Era, about 300 million years ago. It was an era most famously known as the one when Microsoft’s Bill Gates broke new grounds by launching the definitive version of Windows: Windows ME (Mesozoic Edition). It was an instant sensation among dinosaurs, ichthyosaurs, angiosperms and primates from all parts of the Pangea. Microsoft were so overwhelmed with the positive response that they didn’t change any of the features for 300 million years, until recently, when they added a few fancy graphics to it and called it Windows 7 Ultimate Edition. This is, naturally, noted as a glaring anomaly in Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, which is based largely on the idea of “survival of the fittest”. How the miserably unfit Windows managed to survive this long without evolving is still a mystery that continues to bewilder modern day biologists.

Archaeologists have also been able to testify to the technological progress in pre-historic times through fossils excavated from various parts of the Earth. These key pieces of evidence are extremely helpful in reconstructing the very first structure of the internet.

1. The early prototypes of routers and broadband connection equipment used for trans-continent communication after the start of Continental Drift. These are still in use at MTNL.

2. The beginning of the Microsoft-Apple product market rivalry.

3. A modern day MTNL employee setting up a broadband connection using modern day tools.

Architecture and working

The internet is based on the client-server model, as shown in the figure below.

How it works:

Client side

-When you type a website address, say http://www.facebook.com, in your browser and hit enter, a request goes to the server.
-If the request is polite enough, the server processes it and displays the Facebook page.
-You then login to Facebook and post stupid status updates about your day.
-Your friends then send requests to the server to remove you from their list.

Server side

Servers are powered by 4 key elements.

1. Large, powerful coal engines located at an undisclosed location have to be kept running day and night to keep the internet online.
2. Cheap labour from poor countries like Bangladesh, Nepal and Myanmar is employed at $0.08 an hour to manually operate little hamster wheels which supply power to all servers in the Southern hemisphere. Although the wages are meager, the exploitation illegal and the working conditions miserable, it is still better than what Reebok and Nike pay them for making shoes.
3. Unknown to most religious junkies, their hopes and prayers help in protecting the internet against the evil eyes of atheists.
4. The Pakistani cricket team also helps in covering the cost of server operation and maintenance. How? For every match that Pakistan fix and throw away, bookies donate 10% of their profits to the True Chartity Party/Internet Party (TCP/IP) as a goodwill gesture. If it wasn’t for the Pakistan cricket team, the cost of an internet connection would be so high that none of us would have been able to afford it. (I request you to take this moment to include PCB in your thoughts and prayers.)

Backup server of the entire internet is hosted on the brain of India’s most richly talented actor-par-excellence-par-awesomeness, Upen Patel. For those unaware, Upen Patel was born with a rare congenital birth defect that left him with severely contorted facial expressions, an unmistakably hilarious speech impediment and a photographic memory. The comical facial expressions and gay voice came handy in “bumbling gay bimbo villain” roles in classic movies such as Ajab Prem Ki Gajab Kahani; the photographic memory in systematically memorizing every web page on the internet over a period of 2 decades. Till date, Upen has memorized billions and billions of web pages and databases and is the only backup should the internet be bombed by terror groups. As such, he is understandably the most sought after actor/ backup utility in our galaxy.

Etiquette

1. Usage of emoticons is a vital component of internet communication. In most scenarios, the usage of emoticons determines the intent and the tone of your message.

For example, “You stupid half-brained douchebag” is offensive due to lack of emoticons that are required to soften the tone of the message.

Contrast the above with “lol u stupid half-brained douchebag!!! 😀 :P”
Clearly, the sensible choice of using emoticons has prevented the sentence from hurting someone’s feelings.

2. Hypocrisy is not only permissible, but actively encouraged on the internet. It is not uncommon to see attention hungry girls uploading close to 500 albums with 1000 photos in each album, detailing every stage of their life – right from conception to embryonic development to their first school drama rehearsal to how they once tasted an alcoholic beverage at some party. These very girls will then complain about “sites not respecting their privacy” and expect sympathy from equally intelligent roadside Romeos who are only more than happy to oblige. And to top it off, this exchange of mutual ass-suckery will most likely be in horrendous English.

3. A rule of thumb: everything is fake and gay on the internet. Any claims/photos/videos of accidents/miracles/conspiracies/accomplishments are fake and gay products of Photoshop and Adobe After Effects. For instance, this:

Applications and usage

Broadly, the only 2 real uses of the internet can be narrowed down to:

1. Spamming.
2. Pornographic studies.

If you are not using it for watching porn, it is assumed that you are busy spamming at the moment. When the spamming stops, it is implied that you’re occupied with porn. However, certain people have demonstrated that both these activities can be performed simultaneously: by spamming porn or watching porn about spam.

Security concerns

The internet has been instrumental in making the world a smaller, simpler place where distances, languages or cultures are not prohibitive factors anymore. It is astounding when you even begin to comprehend the amount of data travelling forth over the internet, its rate of growth, its global reach, its vision for the future; to realize that, in essence, the perpetual repository of the entire human civilization is available at any point in time to any person at any location.

However, as with any system in the world, the growth and spread of internet has not been without an opportunity for exploitation and malice. Moreover, it is much simpler to blame technology which only obeys the instructions dished out by discerning humans.

For eg, Twitter has been held responsible for spreading internet AIDS by letting cheap Bollywood celebrities with 140 or less functional brain cells post their shitty updates in 140 characters or less. Twitter takes care to verify the celebrities’ accounts but does nothing to verify their intelligence – a serious security flaw, as viewed by many.

One of the biggest concerns for most parents is that their child might get access to pornographic material online. Thankfully, there are a lot of sites and softwares today that advise which porn sites are paid sites and which ones are free, so that children are not duped into paying for porn which can be obtained for free – relieving the parental concern over credit card misuse. Many thoughtful individuals have also contributed towards this cause by publishing lists of “paid members” usernames and passwords free of cost.

It has also been suggested that internet addiction is driving people away from real life social interaction, that people are not spending enough time with their families and that people are okay with the idea of online relationships as opposed to one in real life. I’m not sure of these claims, but I will do some research and post my detailed analysis on Facebook, Orkut, Twitter, MySpace, WordPress, Blogspot, Posterous, Picasa, Flickr, Tumblr, Typepad, LiveJournal, Hi5, Savita Bhabhi and a few other sites soon.

***

That wraps up what little I know about the internet. Hope you found it informative and illuminating.

Oh and before you leave, don’t forget to collect your free gift for being the 999999th visitor. 😀 😛