Excerpts from my interview with the CNN reporter, Pinky Chadda.
Who are you?
I am Adam. Prince of Eternia and keeper of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. This is Cringer, my fearless friend. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said, “By the power of Grayskull…I have the Power!”
Cringer became the Mighty Battle Cat, and I became He-Man – the most powerful man in the universe. Only 3 others share this secret… Our friends: The Sorceress, Man-At-Arms and Orko. Together, we defend Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor.
I HAVE THE POWER!
Oh come on now. Millions of people start their day by reading your extremely popular blog. Don’t you think they deserve to know a little about you?
My name is ah, what does it matter. I’m not He-man. I’m just a normal man force-feeding myself the bland reality of life every day. I will vanish one day and this blog will serve as my tombstone.
Your academic qualifications?
I know how to write and read what I’ve written at the same time. Fuck yes!
Are you single?
If you see double, you should stop smoking things that random strangers have offered you.
What do you do for a living?
My career has had its highs and lows, twists and turns, upsides and downsides, but it’s been a delightful journey. I get to meet new people, explore new places and reach for the sky really.
I’m the driver of a roller coaster at a popular amusement park here in my city.
What is wrong with you?
There is no wrong, there is no right, the circle only has one side.
Why do you keep quoting random songs? Perhaps these are deep rooted manifestations of a disturbed childhood?
I’m not comfortable speaking about my childhood, but here’s a frank confession – I did have a disturbed childhood. An incident early on in my life left me emotionally scarred. Check out this video for details – the kid in the video is me. Watch carefully how my innocence was lost at such a tender age. I hope you got your answer.
Oh, sorry. Why don’t you go see a doctor or something?
Okay. I’m calling Doctor Jones. Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones, get up now, wake up now!
Ah yippie yi yu ah yippie yi yeah ah yippie yi yu ah.
What is the message you want to send across to your billion-strong fan base?
Please understand. Don’t waste your time always searching for those wasted years. Face up, make your stand and realize you’re living in the golden years.
Sigh. Do you ever stay on topic?
Did you know that people who play games on portable gaming consoles while driving are 20 times more likely to score lesser points than people who play the same games at work?
You really think this is funny? I think this is just juvenile, immature crap.
Thanks for that incisive review. As you have correctly pointed out, juvenile and immature crap is the point of this blog.
I feel that my juvenile immaturity stands out amidst all the maturity on the web. The Pakistani President’s personal blog, for instance.
“We are not involved in any terror activities.”
“Pakistan is a peace loving nation.”
Why can’t you be more responsible? Do you realize that your blog could offend a large section of the society?
Do you realize that the large section of the society could do a lot better than read my blog and take it seriously? Why can’t they be more responsible?
People have and will always find a way to offend themselves regardless of the situation or the age. Please pick yours.
Why do I get a feeling that you are nihilistic, caustic, sarcastic, sardonic, cynical and pessimistic?
Ah, adjectives. My prof from 9th grade told me that words ending in ‘tive’ are adjectives. I don’t find it to be true for the ones you’ve mentioned. How I would love to go back and tell him he was wrong, but unfortunately he’s dead.
What is the meaning of life?
1. It starts real slow – the acoustic guitar sets things up, the lead guitar kicks in, then the vocals lament the pointlessness of it all. 2 minutes pass. The vocals are significantly disturbed, the sound much more sinister… perhaps signalling the impending doom. In the final 2 minutes, the vocals bid goodbye and vanish into the background, leaving the lead guitar to say its final words. It wails, it struggles, it tries to make sense, it screams in anguish, but eventually gives up and fades to black.
2. A man facing a death sentence contemplates about his past in the final moments of his life. He is angry, sad, bitter, but above all apprehensive about the imminent turn of events. As he is taken to the gallows, he realizes that he had just lived an illusion, and he no longer needs to be afraid. The thought gives him the courage to walk out and face death not a mortal coward, but as an immortal soul whose name shall remain alive forever.
That’s the best I can think of.
Erm… everyone knows that this isn’t a real interview and you’re just talking to yourself here. How does that make you feel?
My loneliness is killing me, and I must confess I still believe that when you’re not with me I lose my mind. I request you to give me a sign and hit me one more time.
You’re a fucking retard.
That’s a statement, not a question.