Tag Archives: rejection

Ask Doctor Ill-Advised.

Have you ever wondered about people (with names like Agony Aunt, Girl Shrink, Dr. Love and Bejan Daruwalla) who write relationship advice columns in newspapers? I always thought it was a miserable excuse for a career until I saw the fun part of it: stupid people get themselves into stupid situations, then write about it to major newspapers hoping for a solution in 200 words or less, thereby making their embarrassment public to millions of amused readers everyday. Come to think of it, it’s funnier than any comic strip that the newspaper might run anyway.

This is my attempt at recreating some of the typical letters and typical replies.

Dear Dr. Ill-Advised,
My boyfriend is hopelessly perverted. His complete moral corruption is just plain scary. Just the other evening, we were out on a romantic stroll on the beach when… when the bastard tried to hold my hand! Thankfully, I was well equipped to deal with this situation. I twisted his arm, dug my heel into his solar plexus, and then delivered a powerful roundhouse kick to his temple. When he collapsed to the ground, I took out my stun-gun and immobilized him. I might have overreacted, but the freaking pervert had it coming didn’t he? I was later arrested for attempted murder, but I feel the police force is full of biased male chauvinist pigs that turn a blind eye towards such potential crimes against women. The legal proceedings begin next week. What do you suggest I should do? – Chun Li.
(P.S.: Sorry, forgot to mention that I shot him twice with a sawed off shotgun that I carry in my purse too.)

Dear Chun Li,
All men are bastards, yes, and so what you did was totally called for. I’m no legal expert, but I think his being alive doesn’t help your case. You go ahead and slash his jugular vein right away because it’s the only way out. Look at Kasab: he’s killed people but he’s still chilling, isn’t he? I suggest you should hire his lawyer and do the same. All the best!

—–

Hiiieee Dr. Ill-Advised,
So this is about my close friend whom I’ve known for 20 years. Of late I’ve been getting this feeling that he is interested in me. Like he keeps dropping these subtle hints, you know? I mean like he turned down a seat in IIT-B and instead took up commerce in Ruthumbara college just to be in the same class as me. Then like he turned down an offer to work for Google just to join Tribhovandas Bhimji Zaveri Jewelers where I work as a receptionist. Then like he comes over to my home every weekend with flowers and stuffs and gifts, you know? He’s also turned down marriage offers from many beautiful, intelligent girls from respected families for years now. I mean it’s crazy! I don’t know what to make of it! Then on my birthday this year, like he got down on one knee and was about to say something when my phone rang and I HAD to take it because it was my bestest girlfriend Dipshita calling me literally like after AGES, yeah? And like by the time I hung up, he had left. Well that was a bit rude of him, but I’ve forgiven him because he had left a diamond ring on the couch. So anyways, do you think he likes me or something? – Needs A Clue.

Dear Needs A Slap,
This could easily be the most predictable Sherlock Holmes mystery ever written.

——

Dear Dr. Ill-Advised,
My boyfriend tends to lie about things, or exaggerate them. This year, he forgot our anniversary, my birthday, and my dog’s funeral citing the following reasons:
1. “I was abducted by a mysterious inter-planetary intelligence that held me in a spacecraft and interrogated me through the weekend and dropped me back to Earth on Monday morning.”
2. ”The weather department has predicted a violent cyclone to sweep across the city and has instructed everyone to take shelter in the nearest sports bar.”
3. “I was suffering from a strange high grade fever that made me go out and watch a comedy movie with my friends completely against my will. And then it made me go to the nearest sports bar against my will too.”

Do you think he’s just making it up? – Truth Seeker.

Dear Truth Sucker,
It’s just horrible of you to doubt your innocent boyfriend like that. How could you? The poor lad is going through a disastrous phase and the least you could do is be a bit supportive, you get me? Here are the facts, in your face:
1. Alien abduction is a well-known, widely acknowledged fact that has been conclusively documented by credible sources such as Aaj Tak, India TV and Scientology. Haven’t you watched the X-Files series? Do you think Scully and Mulder, FBI agents no less, are lying about the aliens and the obvious government conspiracies? The truth is out there. (whistles the X-Files tune)
2. And again, are you out to question the Meteorological Department? Your boyfriend’s life was at risk there. He was only following the Met department’s storm-safety protocol by hiding in a sports bar. You should be proud of him for being such a law abiding citizen.
3. Yes, a certain strain of the fever virus is indeed known to make people go out and enjoy themselves against their will and remember nothing about it later. It’s basic patho-biology, for Alexander Fleming’s sake. I bet you don’t know who Mr. Fleming is. He was the one who discovered the famous antibiotic penis in 1928.

—–

Dear Dr. Ill-Advised,
My girlfriend is an extremely loving and caring lady. She pays close attention to all of my needs. For instance, she picks out my clothes, decides what I should wear and when, instructs me how to behave in front of her friends, suggests what topics I should and should not speak on in public. She always makes sure that nobody harms me. She has helped me in choosing a career, advised me to stay away from my dad as he is a “negative energy in my life force” and also prepared a schedule for bi-weekly telephonic conversations with my mother. We never fight. Whenever I make a mistake, she gently points it out by shaking her head and patting me on the head and saying, “No! Bad boy! Bad boy! That’s not what a good boy does!” That makes me realize my mistake and I don’t do it again.
Despite such a perfect relationship, some of my friends have been hinting that something might be very wrong here. They used mean terms like “dominatrix”, “dictatorbitch”,“Taliban”, “Robert Mugabe” and “Kim Jong-Il” to describe my girlfriend and extremely negative terms like “pussy”, “fucking coward”, “pushover”, “monkey on a leash” etc to describe me. Thankfully, my girlfriend had already warned me that they were a bunch of jealous, cynical losers who couldn’t accept my happiness. How do I make my friends understand this? – Lucky Dude

Hello Fucked Up Dude,
Before proceeding with the attempt to resolve your problem, I would request you to take this simple test:

1. Move both hands behind your back.
2. Touch the center of your back with your fingers.
3. Move your fingers slowly up and down your back and check for a bony structure.

All creatures belonging to Kingdom: Animalia, Phylum: Chordata, Sub-phylum : Vertebrata possess a vertebral column or a “backbone” that distinguishes them from the invertebrates. Invertebrates are those creatures that lack a spine and are hence forced to crawl on the ground, often getting trampled upon in the process.

If your test results indicate the presence of such a vertebral column, then you must abide by the rules of evolution and learn to stand up for yourself instead of mimicking a fucking invertebrate earthworm that wriggles throughout its life before getting crushed under someone’s shoe. If not, then you are doing a great job of being a spineless earthworm and you must continue doing so.

Tired of being an invertebrate? Then eat calcium-rich foods and grow a backbone.

Hello Dr. Love,
I have been married for 12 years now. Back then, we were madly in love, fiercely inseparable and had committed lifelong loyalty towards each other. 12 years later, everything has fallen apart. We no longer love the same things that we did, have lost the mutual respect and trust that was once the foundation of our relationship, we hardly speak anymore. I can’t remember the last time we laughed together or enjoyed the other’s company. I knew my marriage was going downhill when we were having frequent fights, but now we don’t even bother with that. Apathy and silence have replaced anger and arguments. We live under the same roof as strangers, barely acknowledging the other’s presence. When I look at my wedding photos, I cannot believe that I was once that person: laughing, loving, happily married. I don’t know where things went wrong. I feel like I’m sinking deep within the waters and desperately gasping for breath every minute. Please help. – Depressed.

Dear Depressed,
Oh God, that is the saddest thing I’ve read all morning. Well, the second saddest. The first being my stock portfolio. Man am I losing money like a bitch. Maybe I should sue the BSE for Sensex-ual harassment. Bwahahahahaha.

Erm, sorry, this column isn’t about my clever wordplay, but about your problem. So we’ll get right down to it.
As I see it, there are 3 things that have gone missing in your relationship:
-Communication
-Passion
-Initiative/attempt to change

Let me illustrate to you how these 3 points hold a relationship together with a real life example: Barcelona FC.

Just look at the magic quartet of Messi-Xavi-Busquets-Iniesta. Communication isn’t necessarily all about talking – what sets them apart is the surreal telepathic awareness of one another. Xavi doesn’t need to shout “hey Messi dude I’m going to put the ball over there, so you run and get it ok?” before passing. He just spots a gap and knows that Messi would make a run, and weigh his pass accordingly. Likewise, Messi times his run to perfection, beating the offside trap. Busquets, on the hand, stays back and holds fort, and occasionally runs and dives inside the penalty box with the grace of an Olympic swimmer. This kind of unspoken bonding takes months of patient understanding and acceptance of each other’s game.

Apart from this, Barca place a lot of trust in their youth system, much like Manchester United, delivering fresh crops of talented youngsters who understand the club philosophy and carry forward the same passion and love for the game as their predecessors.

And of course, most of all, it’s the initiative taken up by individual players that makes them world class, formidable, nearly invincible. No matter what the situation, it’s the desire that drives them to come back from seemingly impossible positions to trounce the opposition. Now that is something that Russian or Middle Eastern oil giants can’t buy or infuse in their multi-million plastic squads.

Unfortunately, the time to revive your relationship is long gone. It looks a bit like this now:

—–
Hey Asshole,
What the fuck do you know about relationships to play the armchair love-expert? Have you any clue what it’s like to love somebody? Do you know what being in love means? Do you even have a girlfriend? – Gotcha There.

Dear Gotcha Where?,
Ah, the age old “do-you-know-what-it’s-like” argument. Great work.

Did Eratosthenes go into space to accurately prove that the Earth is round?
Did Copernicus leave the solar system to predict that the sun is at the center of the solar system?
Has anyone actually been to the core of the sun or seen atoms to understand nuclear fusion?
Do you need to be Jewish to abhor the despicable acts of the Nazis?
Does anyone ever need to sit through a Shahrukh Khan/Salman Khan movie to know that it’s a pile of shit?

Sometimes, observation and intuition are enough to reach approximately accurate conclusions.

If you feel that you are a part of some mystifying, magical, exclusivist movement then it’s time to come out of your delusion. Sorry for bursting your cozy bubble. Good luck with your love life though!

MTNL: The Long Road Home.

This post marks the fourth anniversary of my lovingly cherished relationship with one of the most prominent organizations of Mumbai: MTNL. For the uninitiated, MTNL is this passionate, thoughtful, dedicated group of people who have been faithfully serving the citizens of Mumbai and Delhi over the years. Their major services include passionately digging up roads to put in wires, thoughtfully digging up roads to take out wires, dedicated-ly digging up roads to take out Airtel’s/Reliance’s wires, sending pan chewing assholes to your home to tell you that your telephone line is permanently fucked, charging you 250 bucks for conveying this message, and so on.

But the most romantic part of this relationship is how it all started. Sit back and grab something to eat as I reminisce the beautiful memories of the 4 golden years.

The Application Phase

Since the dawn of time, no living human has EVER got through this phase without a hitch. The Indian government has in fact announced a grand prize for any citizen whose application doesn’t get rejected in the first try – they will be awarded the Param Vir Chakra (posthumously, if that is the case) and felicitated on Republic Day. They would get to share the elephant ride with kids who have won the Bravery Award probably for passing their Board exams in the first attempt, and wave at the President who is blissfully sleeping on the chair.

The Reapplication Phase

So now, like the rest of us, you drag your sorry ass back to the MTNL office because your application got rejected due to any of the following reasons –

1. You used black ink, whereas only blue ink is permitted.
2. YoU DiDn’T FiLl ThE FoRm In AlTeRNaTiNg CaSe.
3. There was a slight crease on the form. How can a CAT scanner or a Large Hadron Collider process your form if it has a fucking crease on it?
4. You didn’t sign it using the blood of 666 fallen angels.
5. Because kuch kuch hota hai asshole, tum nahi samjhoge.
6. You are supposed to fill the form only in Sanskrit, Hebrew or Ancient Gaelic.

Raise A Hue And Cry Phase

By this time, you feel like you’re in a Christopher Nolan movie, getting lost at every turn, unable to figure out what is going on, losing your grip on reality. Finally, the confusion and the anger get the better of you and you scream out in frustration, only to be chucked out by the security.

Regret The Previous Phase And Get Down On Your Knees And Beg For Mercy Phase

MTNL staff show no mercy. You pleas for help will be laughed off with a Nazi-Taliban-esque grace.

Nothing Worked, So Use The Trump Card Phase

I remember the day back in December 2006 when my friends and I went to the MTNL office to personally talk to them about our pending connection. We were asked to meet a certain Fat Aunty about our problem.

Mrs. Fat Aunty was the branch-deputy-information-something-manager. In short, the person we were looking for.

We nervously entered her office and waited. She was talking to someone over the phone (what are the odds of that?!). 5 minutes passed with no change in status quo. 10 minutes passed and the impatience was growing. We politely cleared our throats to get her attention. She never even looked up at us. A few more minutes of audible throat-clearing yielded no results. We increased our pretend-coughing to the point that her colleagues suspected us to be Whooping Cough patients and started covering their faces, but Madam Fatass just continued to orally pleasure the phone.

Finally, some 450 hours later, she hung up. She motioned us to come over and take a seat.

“Problem?” she said.

My friend spoke rapidly: “Madam, we applied for an internet connection 3 months ago but still haven’t received a word from you… actually we needed internet ASAP to blah blah blah- ”

Fat Aunty cut in: “Not possible. There are about 85,588 people who are ahead of you.”

My friend was nearly in tears: “But but… it’s been 3 months…I have to…”

Fat Aunty: “NOT. POSSIBLE.” (makes a full stop with her eyes)

The other friend tried his luck: “Madam, please try to understand. We have been coming here everyday since the past 3 months. We are students-”

Fat Aunty scowled: “If you are students, you should go to college! Don’t hang out at MTNL office and complain about low attendance! This is not a youth hang out joint!”

(silence, crickets chirping)

I stood there, tongue-tied like a nervous boyfriend in front of a girl’s Hitler reincarnate mom.

My friend composed himself and tried again: “God hasn’t been too kind to us, Ma’am. We come here and stand everyday, sun or rain, summer or winter, weekday or weekend, in sickness or in health, with a bright hope, an undying belief that you would just look at us once and listen to our story. Look at us, Ma’am, we’ve been greeted with only withering bouquets of rejection every time. We are falling apart just like the plaster on the walls of this building. We have nowhere else to go, no one else to talk to. We are the middle children of history, Ma’am. No purpose or place.”

3 of her colleagues and 2 security guards had broken into tears.

My friend had nailed it. He had hit the second most vulnerable part of the female anatomy – her heart. We could see the sympathy welling up inside her. We had lived the dream.

“Arrey Ramesh, come here!” she yelled at the clerk.

“Yes madam?”

“These 3 students need an internet connection urgently. How soon can it be arranged?”

He looked at her as if she had asked for his father’s hand in marriage. “You mad?!! No way… no more connections till the first bird chirps in autumn next year.”

Madam cranked it up. “Shut up! Don’t give me this bullshit. I’m not the general public. Get them a connection this week and if you dare say no…”

Ramesh gulped and murmured something under his breath and ran away. The 3 of us looked at Fat Aunty quizzically.

“And so it has been written,” she said with the mysticism of an Indian Yogi, “your internet would be active before this Friday.”

We immediately fell to her feet and cried, for our emotional rollercoaster was finally going to come to a stop.

Post Acceptance Installation Phase

True to Aunty’s word, a guy came to my place that week, armed with wires, CDs and the symbolic screwdriver.

15 minutes of sorcery later, he spat: “Installation complete. 500 bucks please.”

I asked: “Is the connection working?”

“No. It will work only after you call the customer support and ask to reset the password after which a virtual connection needs to be established after which an I.P. needs to be assigned after which you would need to prove that you are the son of the noblest blood.”

“And how much time will that take?”

“Should be done in 10 to 15… light years, I think. Now, the 700 bucks please.”

“You said 500 a minute ago.”

“Consulting charges extra.”

Post Installation Traumatic Stress And Eventual Suicide Phase

This is the time after the connection becomes active, when you start getting weird problems and such frequent disconnections that your life becomes an unending nightmare. You live in the paranoid fear that the internet would suddenly stop working one day and the visits to MTNL office would start all over again. You feel like a war veteran who has come back home after long years of conflict, but still hears the sounds of guns and bombs, cries of compatriots, horrors of the battlefield. You want to leave them and switch to another provider, but are left with no energy or guts to fall into the routine once again. So in the end, you quietly curl up in your seat and stare at the modem, clinging to a fleeting hope that the lights would keep on blinking, keep on blinking…